Non-Linear with Miss Michelann

Non-linear has moved!

2009-05-21T17:29:00.002-04:00

Please bookmark the new home of Non-Linear with Miss Michelann:

http://missmichelann.com/

Room Fu Kicked our Living Room's Ass!

2009-05-19T10:08:00.001-04:00

Yay new couches!
Originally uploaded by michelann

Just wanted to give a shout out to my homegirl Robin at roomfu.com. She hooked us up with this awesome new living room set from Collectic Home. Click the photo to see some more shots of the re-vitalized living room.

Daily Photo

2009-05-19T10:06:00.001-04:00

Zilker Botanical Gardens
Originally uploaded by michelann

A stunning waterlily (or lotus, not sure) from last year's crop. Got to get to Zilker for more photos soon!

Photography Inferiority Complex

2009-05-14T15:03:00.002-04:00

Afternoon Doze
Originally uploaded by *Sakura*

Whenever I start thinking that I'm a good photographer, all I have to do is look at the work of some of my contacts on flickr. Seriously. I don't know how she does these magical photos, but they rock my little world.

Mayday!

2009-05-01T09:31:00.004-04:00

In lieu of well-formulated arguments and philosophical musings, I give you FLOWERS:

David and I have been busy little bees. (no fertility jokes, thanks)

We spent the last two weekends at local parks trying out some new techniques with our fab lenses. Say hello to my carpal tunnel (too much photoshop driven mouse gripping).

I know, not flowers. But, pretty!

Ecinacia is the most fun to photograph.

I love purple.

And my favorite, waterlilies:

If you want to see the growing collection of spring photos, go here or here.

Saying goodbye to one muse and welcoming another.

2009-03-28T15:31:00.005-04:00

Over the last year, I've begun to realize that while I am no longer a performer in the traditional sense, my new career as an entrepreneur has taken me back to my performing roots in many ways. All the activities I do that involve other people - networking, pitching, negotiating, lecturing, teaching, & coaching are a form of performance. Improvisational, open-ended, revelatory performance. This realization, and the emotional roller coaster that comes from being that "on" for long periods of time has made me flash back on my years as a musician rather a lot.

On top of that, there have been a few times in the last few months that I've painfully felt the loss of music in my life. Random moments where I feel as if I've been living without a limb, and have just noticed its painful absence. I stopped pursuing music as a career in 2001. I stopped performing as a musician (with a few exceptions for friend and family weddings) in 2005. I used to sing all the time, now it's rare and usually when I'm alone. Sorting through my feelings around this has been a sticky and harrowing process.

Music was both my gateway to the hell of self-annihilation and the heaven of self-transcendence. Some of the most spiritual moments of my young adult life were when I was performing and felt as if something beyond me chose my voice as its instrument. In those moments I felt as if I was the priestess and the sacrifice at the same time. I know that sounds mildly insane, but it was as if I was controlling and creating this experience of ritualistic catharsis on one (somewhat detached) level, and concurrently experiencing total surrender, ecstasy, and spiritual nakedness on another.

At the other end of the spectrum was crippling self-doubt, constant external and internal criticism, jealousy, extreme-sport competitiveness, isolation, codependency, and auditions. Oh man, did I get to hate auditions. At first they were kind of fun. Then I realized that every time I got in front of that opera company I was cementing some kind of impression of what caliber of singer I was with one more conductor/director, and there was very little I could do to control or change it once the audition was over. Pressure.

Singing for an appreciative audience is one thing. I've always had stage fright, but it's never been enough to keep me off the stage. Hell, I'm still perform any chance I get (bellydancing, lectures, teaching...). But auditions - singing for people who are bored, exhausted, and whose job consists of disqualifying 99% of the hopeful young singers who they see - is hell. There's no energy exchange, no ritualistic, shamanistic deeper meaning. You're a show horse. They look at your teeth, your stance, your gait, and determine if you have the stuff. And when 90% of my singing became auditions, it ate my soul.

I think the moment I realized it was over was when I got 30 seconds into my first aria in a major audition and noticed I was already mentally out the door, deconstructing what I'd done to fuck it up this time. At the time I had the best and worst teacher I'd ever had - another polarized contradiction. He could hear the sounds my voice had never made and could help me find them. He could coax my vocal chords and abdominal muscles into feats of Olympian strength, endurance, and control. He was funny, encouraging, and supportive. He was also immature, egotistical, petty, and sometimes quite cruel.

Finally something (I think in that one audition) snapped. I had been trying to extricate myself from a crumbling destructive relationship that had spanned most of my 20s. And the moment I gave myself permission to leave it, I left my music career too.

I coach people on their core values now. And sometimes I help them create a personal narrative wherein they map which values were being expressed (and which repressed) during different phases of their careers. In many ways music was more in the service of my needs (approval, acceptance, adulation) than my values. It also was an expression of what I consider my greatest gift, which is creating connection. Music can connect people to the divine within themselves and others. It can connect us to the humanity of people who lived hundreds of years before us. As Joseph Campbell says, the artist is the shaman of our time. So I think that music served my need to connect to Spirit, and certainly utilized my core values of Courage and Compassion, although I think in a somewhat limited, self-centered way.

What I find strange, is that my other two core values, Inquisitiveness and Humor, had almost no expression during this time of my life. I took myself far too seriously. The ability to laugh at yourself comes with the willingness to look like an ass, and I had no tolerance for looking stupid. And Inquisitiveness - my God. I drank up every bit of academic, analytical juice I could find at the Conservatory, but there just wasn't that much room for it. Even when interpreting the music we sang, better to trust the interpretation of someone who published an edition with written cadenzas and ornamentation 50 years ago than put your own stamp on it.

Don't get me wrong, we could meddle with the dynamics, the tempo, the tone, and the articulation. But that was it. How many times was I told I think too much, I'm too smart? Leave your brain at the door (except for memorizing stuff) was pretty much what you were encouraged to do. And rightly so, in many ways. Singing is very athletic, and not very intellectual. You can't really engage your brain until your body is under control, and the body part is about physical training and biofeedback much more than intellectual understanding and cognitive learning.

So this huge chunk of who I am lay fallow for the first 10 years of my adult life. I did a lot of reading, but I didn't really exercise my brain the way I now know I'm capable of. Fast forward to 2006 and grad school (take 2). Once I got my head around the concept of critical thinking, I was in heaven. Instead of trying to get my brain out of the way of my creative process, it was my creative process! Being inquisitive and analytical helped me get good grades and start to write at a level where I would eventually get published. I began to integrate the creative, emotional, non-verbal side of myself with the analytical, discerning, intellectual side. I can't express how much happier and more fulfilled this made me.

I've always been very verbal (ask my parents), and I know that I'm good at helping people find ways to express feelings that are difficult to verbalize. I considered being a therapist for a while because I know I have that strength. But I seem to have found my new muse (which is actually an old muse) in writing and speaking. While I've never had the ability to use words like paint the way a creative writer or poet does, I am good at using words to help crystallize and articulate aspects of the human condition that are hard to express.

It's taken me a while to realize that I can be a writer without being a Writer. I'm not a wordsmith, I'm an ideasmith. There are lots of those out there these days, but I don't think too many of them are women. Daniel Pink, Malcom Gladwell, and Thomas Friedman spring to mind. These are people who tap into some strand of the collective consciousness and articulate ideas that we are all becoming aware of simultaneously. While I don't know if the ideas and concepts I can articulate are universal enough to land me a book deal like Gladwell's, I think this is ultimately what I'm here to do now.

I still like performing - I enjoy teaching and lecturing and networking - but I also find it draining. It's a great way to try my ideas out on people and see what turns the lightbulb on for them. There's nothing cooler than seeing that happen. But coming to terms with wanting to write for a good portion of my living is this huge relief. It's solitary and protected, and uses a totally different kind of energy than speaking of singing.

So words are my vehicle now. Not the words of poets or librettists that died centuries ago, my words. Are my words important enough to be considered by others? Actually, it doesn't matter. I think that we all have an unique contribution to make, and this is mine. There is no other me, and nobody is going to talk about things exactly like me. So there's no competition, because nobody else can have my voice, and I can't have theirs. Will I find an audience? I hope so. Over the last year of this crazy experiment called entrepreneurialsim, I've had the most success finding publishers for my articles, and places to speak about my ideas. That part has come much easier than learning how to use Quickbooks, for example.

I miss music, and I hope I can find a way to re-integrate it in my life. But I think I'm okay with the Music Epoch being over. I'm looking forward to seeing how the Writing Epoch unfolds.

If you're interested in reading some of my stuff, visit DiaMind Dialogues, my business blog.

Spring!

2009-03-20T15:07:00.004-04:00

First, flowers!

It's so great to see all this color.

Work has been really fun lately. It seems like spring has really amped up my creative process. I spoke at a conference in Austin a few weeks ago called RISE, it was really fun. It was especially great to be around a bunch of entrepreneurs. It reminded me of the first time I went to music/arts summer camp in high school. Instead of being a weirdo, I was with my own kind, people who shared my values and ideals. In this case, it was fun to be with other irrationally optimistic, creative, driven people who persistently see our country's financial difficulties as an opportunity for growth and change. It was cool.

My session was on defining and identifying core vision, values, and mission. It went really well, and has got me thinking about some very exciting possibilities to expand on the parts people responded to especially well. Next week, I'm guest speaking at Wisdom at Work, which you can read about here, if you're interested.

Speaking of entrepreneurs, I got to meet one of my idols yesterday, Perez Hilton. What? That snarky gossip blogger who draws on pictures of movie stars in MS Paint? Yep. I have to admit his blog is a guilty pleasure of mine. But what I find more interesting is how he's managed to go from just some dude who writes a goofy blog to a media mogul. Seriously - the guy had one of the hottest shows at SXSW, has a clothing line at Hot Topic, a book, tv shows, and more. I expect him to be in the company of Oprah as far as media influence is concerned in the next ten years. He is wicked smart. Anyway, I'll quit gushing and just show you the picture:

I am such a dork.

I've been better about keeping my business blog updated, but less so here. I've got some new website stuff in the work, so stay tuned for updates. Oh - and I also have a new article in a journal called The Systems Thinker. Sweet! It's on organizational politics and ethics, if you're interested email me and I'll send you a copy.

That's all for now. I have to go wash some terriers.

More Latest Addictions

2009-02-18T14:12:00.004-05:00

It's still officially winter here, though Austin's are notoriously short. The trees are starting to bloom, so hopefully I'll be out and about snapping new photos soon. In the meantime, I'm holed up with a flu, so this edition of Addictions will be homebody-related.

Ru Paul's Drag Race - Tracy turned me on to this and I lurve it. I so miss the drag scene in San Francisco, and this show manages to be terribly campy while still kind of heartwarming and poingiant.
Homemade Cough Syrup - this stuff works better than codeine. Recipe below.
Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer in Sin - Drag-queen worthy, this stuff is a great highlighter, and if you wear it under your shadow and liner, nothing will budge for hours. Bellydancers, take note!
Battlestar Galactica, Season 4 - The best show on TV, and one of the best sci-fi epics ever. I am such a nerd for this show.
Soups and Stews (list below) - The best bet for dumping all my CSA veggies into something comforting and tasty.

Homeopathic Cough Syrup

2 Tbsp honey
2 Tbsp Cider Vinegar
4 Tbsp Water
1/4 tsp ground ginger
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

Simmer for a few minutes. Take by the teaspoonful. The ginger and honey is soothing, and the cayenne acts as an expectorant.

Soup and Stew Recipes

Chicken Green Chili with White Beans - I use way more green chili than the recipe calls for.
Tagine of Lamb and Apricots in Honey Sauce - David's favorite.
Southwestern Pork Soup - super fast, sub canned hominy for beans for a faked up posole.
Orange Saffron Shrimp and Snapper Stew

Latest Addictions

2009-01-15T23:52:00.003-05:00

Just because I haven't posted about my addictions in a while doesn't mean I don't have any:

My Aeropress
Sent from Heaven (or Hell, if you ask David) this little puppy makes the awesomest lattes, chais, and anything else you want to concentrate to super-strength. While my Starbucks intake has dropped precipitously, my caffeine intake has increased more than I care to admit.
This coffee.
My niece
There is possibly nothing cuter. And that includes puppies and kittens. Although this one is providing some stiff competition.
Bellydancing (again)
Yes, the full-on addiction with all the shiny, sparkly accoutrements has returned. My abs thank me. And now I like photographing it too.

Holidays 2008

2009-01-02T16:11:00.006-05:00

2008 was an eventful year. It was my first year of marriage. There were births and deaths. I started a company. We elected a president I actually like. It hasn't been the year of hell for me that it was for many people, but it certainly was intense. Overall, I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin than I was a year ago, and I attribute that mostly to the necessity of letting go of control that comes with starting a business, and to my marriage, which has been a tremendous blessing.

This year we flew to Los Angeles on Christmas Day, and drove to Santa Barbara. I love not having to take multiple flights. We had celebrated my birthday with friends the previous Saturday, and Christmas with the Quimby clan on Sunday:

On Christmas day we flew to California and spent a few days in Santa Barbara with family and friends. Meeting my new niece Saraphina was especially fun:

Isn't she a doll? Speaking of dolls, check out Miss Maxine, now approaching the ripe old age of two:

It was foodie bliss at my parents' house, as per usual:

Beef Wellington with Celery Root Mashers and Port Reduction

Hoshigaki White Chocolate Truffles

Tortilla soup with fried shrimp

Cajeta Ice cream with Mexican Cookies

And we found some time to get out and do some nature photography:

Shaun and I (mostly Shaun) cooked a dinner for our parents' 40th anniversary:

Then it was off to LA for a couple days of sightseeing and catching up with friends. We had lunch at a dumpling house in Arcadia with Rheia and Dave:

And dinner in Hollywood with Elender and Bergen, who treated us to the Amazing Cat Show:

The next day we did some sightseeing, ate at a fabulous restaurant in Glendale called Carousel, and it was back home again.

We're happy to be home, and happy to be spending time with our Austin friends and family again. Happy 2009!

One Year Ago

2008-12-09T01:30:00.002-05:00

(original post)

Not So Neutral

2008-12-03T10:42:00.002-05:00

I tend to stay off politics on my blog, mostly. I'm a big fan of dialogue between people with different beliefs. I think that tolerance isn't really tolerance, unless it includes the people you think are intolerant. As a generally raging liberal, I'm dismayed by the massive generalizations I hear other liberals making about people who don't vote or philosophize or believe as they do. I can never get my brain around how our generalizations and judgments are less intolerant than the generalizations and judgments of those who have different beliefs than us. You know?

So while I do tend to take a Democrat party line on most issues, I try to listen as much as proselytize. But on one issue I get fairly emotional, and that's gay marriage. The status of gay people has changed massively in my lifetime. From something that was rarely spoken about when I was a kid, we now have openly gay public figures, and increasingly equal rights for gay partners. I am very happy about this. I'm not happy about the fact that my gay friends and relatives and business associates can't get married in Texas (and possibly California). That their rights are restricted legally and socially.

Homophobia, like any fear of the "other" is something that tests our humanity daily. As human animals, we fear what we don't understand or what we perceive threatens us. As human beings, we have the ability to transcend those impulses and connect to our kinship with all humans. (And I can't personally conceive of a God who doesn't intend that we do just that.) Our recent election showed us and the rest of the world that human beings can evolve and change. That long held, deep prejudice can be replaced with acceptance and love.

So when someone tells me that gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry, or that being gay is a choice, or it's immoral, I think of the people I love who are gay. I have several close friends who have been essentially married to their partners for a decade or more. So to me, it's like saying, "Your friend, who is in love and happy and leads a fulfilling life, should to be alone or celibate or should force themselves to be with someone who they can never truly connect to. Your friend doesn't deserve to be happy because I'm uncomfortable with the fact that they are gay."

That's what I hear, and I just can't stomach it. It's not a broad social issue to me. It's about the happiness of the people I love, and a deep sense of confusion about how other people I love would wish such a thing upon them. I know that in most cases homophobia isn't personal. But for me, it always will be. I'm incredibly lucky to have the happiness and love and acceptance I experience in my marriage, and I can't conceive of wishing less for anyone else in my life.

Anyway, to wrap up my tirade on a slightly wittier note, here's an all-star cast from Funny or Die bringing you "Prop 8 - The Musical":

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Saying Goodbye to Color

2008-11-30T11:30:00.003-05:00

We bought our camera last year in late December, and there was precious little color to photograph until March. I've been combing the parks and neighborhood for the last vestiges of color, mostly in the form of turning leaves, in preparation for the long (okay not so long) months of winter, when I'm going to have to find some other photo subjects. People? Cityscapes? I'm open to suggestions. Here are some samples of my last few shoots:

Belated Update

2008-11-11T09:52:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago David and I took a short vacation in the hill country. We stayed at a farm near Blanco, called Juniper Hills Farm. It was just what we needed - remote, peaceful, quiet, packed with plants and wildlife (there was a bird convention out our window) and included tasty baked goods. The little cabins have microwaves and fridges, so if you're resourceful, you can pack enough food in to avoid having to go out for all your meals. They also provide you with milk, juice, granola, snack mix, and hot baked goods in the morning.

I brought enough food to feed us for a week (we only stayed two nights), and discovered that all the non-chocolate products were in low demand. I did manage to kludge together dinner the first night thusly:

Kohlrabi Goat-Cheese Prosciutto Pasta

8 oz farfalle
1 lb kohlrabi (roots only)
1/2 c goat cheese
garlic
olive oil
salt
pepper

Pre-cook the pasta, drain, rinse with cool water, and lightly toss with olive oil to keep from sticking. Peel and cube the kohlrabi, and toss with minced garlic, olive oil, salt, and pepper. Roast on a parchment-covered cookie sheet for about 40 min (give or take) until soft and lightly golden.

To construct pasta: reheat both the pasta and the kohlrabi in the microwave. Layer thusly: pasta, crumbled goat cheese, kohlrabi, and finely sliced proscuitto or serrano ham, two slices per plate.

Nom!

We also went to Pedernales Falls, wandered around Wimberly, and had lunch at the the Silver K Cafe in Johnson City. It was a cool place, and the food was very tasty. And now, the photos.

View from the window of our cabin.

Juniper

There were lavender patches covered with butterflies.

Also, donkeys!

Lavender

Husband relaxing.

Pedernales Falls

Holding my breath until Wednesday

2008-11-02T08:53:00.001-05:00

Happiness Challenge

2008-10-16T09:18:00.005-04:00

Cortney posted this on her blog, and I'm going to take up the challenge because I think it's a great idea to think about what makes us happy:

Post 10 things that are going right in your life right now. I don't care how small. You're happy with your cup of coffee. You saw a flock of geese flying over. ANYTHING. Things that make you happy. Things that make you smile. Go:

Napping with my terriers
Being married to David
Running my own company
Doing work that helps people understand themselves and each other with more compassion
Bellydancing
Cooking with my CSA vegetables
Getting better at photography
White chocolate mocha and breakfast empanadas at Fair Bean Coffee
Remembering to meditate
Having great friends

Let me know if you post a list on your blog!

More Eye Candy

2008-10-14T14:46:00.002-04:00

When David and I went to the park to take that last batch of photographs, there were a bunch of lotus flowers in the pool in the parking lot, but they were all closed. I went back yesterday with the D300 and macro lens and got some amazing shots. It's hard to take a bad photo of a lotus flower, they are so lovely.

A few other fun pictures:

Bokeh Eye-Candy

2008-10-08T11:10:00.004-04:00

I've become obsessed with a photography style called "bokeh". It's macro photography, generally, which utilizes a large apeture (shallow depth of field) which results in your subject being very sharply in focus, and the background as blurry as possible. The smoother, the better. The people who are really good at it frame their shots so the composition of the subject, and the contrast with the background is almost like a visual haiku. I'm not at that level yet, but some of my attempts are not so bad:

I'm keeping track in a set you can see here.

But if you really want to see the masters, check out these people:
Naro

okiraku_diver

Yochi

*Sakura* Her stuff is AMAZING. Check out the frog and ladybug sets, particularly.

Capitalism as Religion

2008-10-01T00:48:00.003-04:00

I've thought for a long time that the concept of the free market as a higher truth has reached biblical proportions. Some of my teachers in school, a lot of business people I know, and obviously our current administration seem to believe that if we allow our economy to function independent of regulation this "best possible world" Utopia where the greatest good for the greatest number would be the result. I've observed that this belief is often as dogmatic as any religious belief, and exists across many demographics.

I think any "perfect" ideology - socialism, capitalism, libertarianism - while really interesting from a philosophic standpoint, is doomed to eventual failure when it becomes dogmatic and inflexible. The world, societies, economies and other large systems are complex and diverse. It's the very flexibility of our system that allows it to remain intact during drastic internal and external change.

The Colbert Report picked up on the Capitalism as Religion theme:

Glad to know it's not just me. And he's way funnier.

Suffering and Compassion

2008-09-06T16:29:00.006-04:00

Due to some interesting tricky circumstances in my life of late, I've given a lot of thought to who I really am, and what I really have to contribute. Being a business owner takes tremendous energy, and selling my services and expertise takes not only energy, but conviction. Without conviction, it sucks your will to live. Seriously.

For me, conviction comes from being as authentic as humanly possible in how I present myself, what I have to offer, and what I value I believe it brings. Maybe there are people can sell anything to anyone, but I can't.

Getting to this point is the result of many years of soul-searching, study, and most importantly, making lots and lots of mistakes. Often, those mistakes cause me to suffer. Sometimes things I totally can't control cause me to suffer. And sometimes my own way of dealing with the world causes me to suffer.

I worry a lot. I worry mostly about how other people feel, and how what I do or say affects them. I worry about the things I can't control like sickness and death, and the things I can, like money and relationships. Worry is really just another word for fear. I experience fear pretty regularly. Being me, and not anyone else, I have not idea of the amount of fear I feel is "normal" or not. I suspect that feeling it is, but admitting it is not.

I've found that some people react badly when I'm transparent about the fact that I experience fear or anxiety. I find this strange. The leaders I most admire are the ones that are open about their frailty, their weaknesses, and their fears. I feel I can trust someone who admits they are human, admits that they make mistakes. I don't trust the people who say they have the answers to questions that only I can answer for myself, and people who claim to know more about me than I know about myself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I believe that fear, which is a form of suffering has value. We live in a society where emotions like fear, shame, sadness, and despair are considered undesirable at best. But these emotions are part of the palate of our experience. Imagine if food was only salty or sweet. Would we enjoy a lemon bar if it wasn't a little sour? Or a grapefruit if it wasn't a little bitter? If music was only consonant and harmonious, we'd be listening to the Grateful Dead for all eternity, and Stravinsky never would have composed The Rite of Spring (that actually sounds like the third ring of Hell to me).

And so I believe it is with suffering, and yet we brand those who can't hide or escape their suffering as depressive, codependent, reclusive, or anti-social, as if we ourselves do not all experience those feelings too. How much harder is it then for those who seek help coping with suffering to find the courage to ask? And how narrow is our definition of what is healthy? I sometimes think that while diagnosis of mental disorders is immensely helpful for alleviating suffering, it also has been misused as a way for us to externalize emotions that are inescapable and innate to the human experience.

I've run across a number of people in my life who essentially told me that I suffer/think/fear too much, and to get over it (often with dire pronouncements about my fate if I fail to take their advice). And then they told me exactly how to do this (usually by emulating them). I have always found these exchanges disconcerting and kind of scary. I try so hard to be empathetic and open that sometimes I let people in way further than is healthy for me, and when I get scared sometimes I can temporarily lose my ability to draw healthy boundaries.

This has happened a couple times in recent years, and in spite of the fact that I have much better boundaries and self-esteem than I used to, it's still thrown me for a loop. It's gotten me thinking about my emotional world and its value to myself and to others. There is no doubt, I tend to worry, and when things upset me I often hang on to them for a while. If I'm feeling anticipatory of some unpleasant event, I'll imagine possible scenarios even though I can't predict what is actually going to happen. When something bad happens, I'll often replay it mentally, imagining how I could have prevented or changed it. When my feelings are hurt, they hurt a lot, and it sometimes takes a while for the physical symptoms to leave my body. Basically, I feel things very strongly.

But here's the thing: I don't think that feeling things strongly and struggling with fear is bad or wrong. Is it pleasant? No, not really. But does it have value? Absolutely.

The fact that I struggle with these feelings and behaviors means that I experience them fully. I don't just taste fear, I chew on it, go for a swim in it, and take it out to the movies. I know the dimensions and colors and smell of my fears, and that means that when I see someone else suffering from fear, I know how hard it is for them, and I also have faith that they can get past it. Because I do, every day. Every time I fully face my fear, or guilt, or shame, or sadness, I get a little nugget of compassion for myself. And those nuggets become the ground upon which I continually realize how little separates me from other people. We all suffer. The First Noble Truth of the Buddha is suffering. And without suffering, there would be no compassion, and no joy, and no love.

So the next time someone tells me I'm neurotic, and difficult, and that I should just "get over it" or "let it go", I'm going to remember all my feelings have value. I'm going to remind myself to have faith in my internal process. That fully experiencing uncomfortable emotions is courageous, not weak. That compassion, one of my core values, means connecting to others through our shared humanity, which includes suffering. And that my ability feel compassion for that suffering is a gift, not a disease.

Underwater Eye Candy

2008-08-31T13:54:00.005-04:00

David took a dive trip to the Flower Gardens in the Gulf of Mexico this week. He brought our D300 with it's underwater casing for the first time, and took some pretty amazing photos. Enjoy!

Observiness

2008-08-26T22:31:00.004-04:00

That's my new favorite word.

Much to David's dismay, we're watching the Democratic Convention. I've been watching it more for the imagery and symbolism - what they're not saying, what the visuals are trying to convey. Because Obama's campaign has been so brilliant from a branding standpoint - both the messaging and the imagery, I've had pretty high expectations. But until the latter half of tonight (day 2), most of it has been pretty canned. Michele Obama was very poised and appealing, but I enjoy her interviews more than her speeches.

Deval Patrick, however, rocked my world. He was way better than the keynote speaker. And the Hilary retrospective was seriously intense. As a female entrepreneur trying to find entry into what is still a very masculine world, it was moving to see an unapologetic tribute to a woman's strengths and trials. As a consultant it's my job to tailor my message - to use language my clients respond to - and that often means stripping out emotional or feminine language. Hilary, for all her faults, is unapologetic for her femininity, and I find that very inspiring. Her speech was pretty powerful, barring a few silly one-liners.

--------------

Now that the whole thing is over, a few more observations. The final night was a serious spectacle. That was more what I expected from Obama. Heavy on the symbolism, rock concert intensity. Add to that an acceptance speech that was probably the most literate I've heard in my lifetime.

The first couple days were patchy, and had that 1980s Academy Awards look to them. But Bill Clinton and Joe Biden were pretty fiery, and Obama's walk on got everyone amped for the finale.

The last night was this crazy epic spectacle. Much more what I would expect of the candidate with the most badass political candidate website ever. Massively theatrical. I thought Obama's speech was pretty amazing. I really hope he wins the election, especially in light of McCain's ultra-conservative VP pick.

Food Porn

2008-08-16T00:42:00.003-04:00

David and I went to Hudson's on the Bend for dinner tonight. Highlights:

Amuse-Bouche: coconut fried shrimp in a lime-coconut shooter
Appetizer: smoked duck breast, jicama, jalapeno, figs wrapped in bacon with red chili glaze dipping sauce
Entree: american bison stuffed with spicy venison sausage on a 3 bean ragout with chipotle bbq sauce

O. M. G. That was some good food.

Saraphina Nancy Oster

2008-08-08T16:02:00.002-04:00

My new niece made her grand entrance yesterday. She was expected to be early and small, but instead she was two days late, over 20 inches long and over 7lbs! The new family is doing well and looking forward to coming home. I can't wait to meet her!

1001 Uses for Squash

2008-07-29T00:58:00.003-04:00

We're drowning in squash. A few months ago we decided to get a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) subscription. What this means is once I week I go pick up a big box of fresh veggies, and some fresh eggs. This has created all sorts of interesting culinary challenges. Mostly, how do two people eat several pounds of vegetables in one week? Here are our main survival tactics:

Share it- there actually is a limit to the amount of arugula, kale, and okra (there's a very low limit for okra) that we can eat, so we spread the wealth.
Pork and Cheese - everything can be cooked with some form of pork (bacon, prosciutto, ham) and cheese (feta, parmesan, cheddar).
Stuff it - it turns out several food types can be adapted to different veggie and herb combinations. We've done crepes, fritatta, pasta, quiche...

This month's challenge is summer squash. Yellow, crookneck, pattypan, and zucchini are overflowing in the fridge, and I've had to find all sorts of interesting ways to use it. Turns out zucchini can be used in chocolate cake, for reals. Turns out it really sucks in chocolate chip cookies. I found some creative ways to use it in other stuff too. For example, if you grate it really fine, and press out most of the water, you can use it in pancakes! Seriously, it's really good. I also grate it coarser and put it in potato pancakes - using about half potatoes and half zuccini (squeezed out in cheese cloth), combined with chopped onion, fresh sage, a couple eggs and some flour. Then I pan fry it until golden and serve with low fat sour cream and smoked salmon. Yummy! Here are a few of my other favorite recipes so far:

Sauteed Baby Squash with Basil and Feta
Shrimp and Squash Penne
Chocolate Zucchini Cake

Stay tuned, next month we'll be swimming in sweet potatoes!

100 Things

2008-07-23T02:19:00.005-04:00

I keep seeing these "100 Things" lists on people's blogs. I could pretend that I don't like to talk about myself and am too modest to try to come up with one, but that would just be silly. So here goes:

My first name is Heather.
I tested out of high school when I was 15 and went to community college for a year before starting at SF Conservatory of Music where I got 2 degrees.
I hate pineapple.
I don't like to cook anything that takes more than an hour of prep.
I make a mean crepe.
I scored 158 on the LSAT.
I take reasonably good macro photography with a Nikon D300.
I suck at math.
Some days I'm an INFJ, some days I'm an ENFJ.
In college I sang a master class with Thomas Hampson, and he made me take my shoes off.
I have two masters degrees (so far).
I auditioned a role in the movie Dangerous Liaisons when I was 15. I didn't get it, Uma Thurman did.
I loved junior high and hated high school.
I love corgis and terriers, but I hate poodles and cocker spaniels.
I think Brain Candy and Zoolander are works of genius.
I've watched the five hour mini-series version of Pride and Prejudice in one sitting at least five times.
I love Jane Austin adaptations. That includes Clueless. And the Bollywood one.
I read books multiple times until they fall apart, and then I get new copies and read them some more.
I'm scared of cockroaches.
When I was a kid I played classical harp.
I don't swim very well.
I had a sadistic choir director in high school who told me I was a terrible dancer.
I'm actually a pretty good dancer. Not great, but good.
I take belly dance classes and perform fairly regularly.
Both my pinkie fingers are crooked.
I have persistent asthma. It used to flare up when I exercised, now it only gets bad if I have a bad cold or bronchitis. Yay regular exercise and modern medicine!
I used to be an opera singer.
I still want to sing a lead in one more Mozart opera someday.
I almost flunked math in high school because I was in the chorus of The King and I in local theater and I wasn't getting any sleep.
My husband says I snore, but I don't believe him.
I'm not sure if I want to have children.
I did children's theater in elementary school and got all the short roles, including a munchkin and a hobbit.
I've been in six musicals, six operas, and three operettas.
I speak basic German, and rudimentary French and Italian.
My hair is actually dishwater blond.
I am allergic to cats.
I had a TABC license for a while (so I could bartend, which I only did once).
I'm the third (possibly fourth) generation of my family to elope.
I used to read tarot cards, sometimes for money.
I am so not psychic.
I used to think Phantom of the Opera was the best musical ever written. I was wrong.
I never thought I would end up settling in Texas.
I don't really miss California, though I do miss my friends and family there sometimes.
I have two black and white Terrier mixes named Loki and Persephone.
I love comparative religion and mythology.
I've watched every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel several times, and can identify which episode and which season many random quotes come from. Scary.
I want to get a PhD in Psychology and Mythology.
I want to get a law degree.
I have bad dreams pretty frequently.
I used to love Victorian architecture and hate mid-century modern and later design, now it's mostly the other way around.
I read fiction incredibly fast, but am much slower with non-fiction. Imagine my dismay when I found this out after starting grad school.
I am addicted to Flickr.
I love Homestar Runner and Making Fiends. And I have the tee-shirts to prove it.
I am largely over my life-long Hello Kitty fixation.
I can order a few kinds of dim sum in really bad Chinese.
The worst airport I have every been in was in Tel Aviv. I was three hours early and almost missed my flight.
The farthest away I have ever traveled was Israel. Hawaii seems pretty far too, now that I live in Texas.
I got married in Hawaii.
I lived in Santa Barbara for 17 years, San Francisco for 7 years, Baltimore for 2 years, and Austin for 11.
I lived in Austin from 1996-1999, and then moved back in 2001 right be fore 9/11.
I find psychology fascinating and have read many books on it. I considered getting a social work or counseling degree before I decided on my most recent one.
My birthday is two days before Christmas. This worked to my advantage when I was a kid, and totally sucks now.
I belonged to a synagogue in Baltimore and was employed as a soloist at a Lutheran church at the same time. So that year I observed Passover while singing Holy Week services. They were more alike than you would imagine, and more different than they should have been.
I grew up knowing how to swear in Yiddish but not knowing anything about Judaism (my grandmother was Jewish but was raised protestant). I learned how to make latkes from my grandmother, and everything else I thought I knew about my heritage was from Fiddler on the Roof.
I refuse to roller skate, ice skate, or ski.
I've been to Israel, Belize, Honduras, France, Germany, Italy, Holland, England, Belgium, Switzerland, Wales, Scotland, and Canada.
I can quote large portions of Monty Python sketches.
I am a nerd of epic proportions.
I can also be quite redundant.
I own all of Frank Baum's Oz books, and a bunch of his way lesser known children's books.
I love elephants and collect SMALL amounts of elephant things. I consider the elephant my totem animal.
I feel a strong calling to help people understand themselves and others better and nurture compassion.
I can hand-code old school HTML.
I love yoga, and I wish I did it more often.
I'm a Capricorn with my moon in Pisces and Gemini rising. That means that I'm logical and stubborn on the surface, but introverted and mystical and intuitive underneath, and sometimes gregarious and changeable. Seems a little broad, doesn't it?
I used to write a food column for my former company's newsletter. People would email me to ask where to take their SO for special occasions. It was fun.
New Orleans has my favorite food in the world. I almost moved there before I decided to come back to Austin.
I seem to have gotten somewhat used to the Texas heat. When I was a kid I couldn't stand it when it got over 75 degrees.
I still hate the cockroaches, though.
Starting a business is one of the scariest and most fun things I've ever done.
I read Perez Hilton.
I hate misuse of punctuation, including but not limited to multiple exclamation and/or questions marks, incorrect use of apostrophes, and incorrect use of quotation marks.
My chocolate chip oatmeal pecan cookies are possibly the best in the world.
I have three tattoos: a lotus on my lower back, a hand of fatima on my right shoulder blade, and a scarab with a band on my left upper arm.
I am addicted to makeup and skin care products. I shudder to think how much I spend at Sephora in a year.
I've had consistent insomnia for several years in a row.
I love coffee. Maybe there's a connection there.
I'm addicted to positive-message makeover shows like What Not to Wear, How to Look Good Naked, Clean House, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and Dress My Nest. Yes, I know they're cheeze. No, I don't care.
I hate ugly reality TV, the stuff that encourages people to act out of self-interest and against their values.
The movie Idiocracy scared the shit out of me. See above.
I'm a liberal capitalist.
I once meditated for two days straight. (weekend workshop, there was sleep involved) I mostly felt a lot of back pain and extreme grumpiness. It was still a good experience.
I love blue dishes, purple clothes, burgundy lipstick, and my husband's brown eyes.
It makes me very angry that gay people can't marry in most states.
It makes me happy that it is finally changing.
I want to write a bestselling book on relationship dynamics in the professional world.
I want to go on Oprah to talk about my book.
I liked being single. I like being married way better.
I've indulged in an illegal drug exactly once. I don't like alcohol all that much either.
I know karate. (okay, I took karate for a couple of years in my early teens, but I still know how to break an arm or leg, given controlled circumstances)

Silly Toon

2008-07-21T23:03:00.001-04:00

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

Now I have a crush on Doogie Howser, and it's all Joss Whedon's Fault

2008-07-17T18:16:00.003-04:00

Back in Pink

2008-07-06T16:44:00.004-04:00

I traveled to Santa Barbara two weeks ago for my grandmother's memorial. And then I went again last weekend for the funeral of a close friend's mother. That makes eight flights in 1.5 weeks (counting the connecting ones). I am so tired of flying that David and I have decided to road trip for our annual vacation this year. Many photo opportunities...

I dislike American Airlines because they treat you like an annoying inconvenience. There's got to be something in the corporate culture that encourages the flight crew to behave with total indifference towards the passengers. But it turns out Delta and USAir are worse. Stinky, hot planes (and mostly grumpy employees). It might be cold on AA, but at least it's clean and usually competent. I'm just fed up with flying in general. AA charged me for checking a tiny suitcase both ways on my second trip. And here's the thing -- we're a captive audience. They can cut services, raise prices, whatever, as long as the market will bear it. And because we have no other choice for long distance travel, we'll bear a lot. The only thing that would really get people to stop flying would be major safety issues. So we put up with the bumped flights and the lack of food and the hidden charges and myriad more discomforts, because it only takes half a day to get to the other side of the country.

All that being said, there were some nice things about the two trips. I got to eat several meals prepared by Chef Shaun, my genius foodie brother, and assorted pastries cooked by my mother the baker. This also gave me the opportunity to work on my food photography:

This is mixed greens with a lychee ginger dressing, with cucumber wrapped summer roll containing tuna sashimi, tempura plantain and shitake mushrooms, and lettuce. Garnished with edible flower confetti.

Prime rib (expertly cooked by my dad), celery root white truffle mash garnished with a roasted baby potato stuffed with garlic clove, horseradish mustard green beans and butter-brown sugar carrots.

Miss Maxine works on a biscotto.

This is Shaun rolling a home made waffle cone which we ate with homemade vanilla bean ice cream that had bits of my mom's chipotle brownies mixed in.

Which is best enjoyed with one of Shaun's killer cappuccinos.

Getting Shaun out of bed early enough to make a cappuccino to enjoy with one of my mom's legendary sticky buns, not as easy.

Hungry yet?

The first weekend I was there David came with me and we went for a walk on my favorite beach and got some cool snaps:

Flowers growing out of the beach cliffs.

There are about a million more pictures on my flickr page. So now I'm in recovery from all that traveling, food, and photography. Which includes, in my case, a nasty cold, just when I'd rather be exercising about four hours a day to atone (re: not grow out of my jeans) for all the great food I ate.

Hope everyone is having a safe and fun long weekend! I'm going back to sleep.

Sadness

2008-06-24T01:30:00.007-04:00

There has been just too much loss in and around my life recently, even more so for some of the people who I love. Death is part of life, but it is so hard to understand or make sense of.

My first year at the Conservatory my voice teacher died of breast cancer. Someone gave me this poem, and I've always come back to it when there has been loss in my life.

This poem encapsulates for me the jarring sense of emptiness and wrongess that I feel when someone I love is no longer physically in the world. We eventually make the transition from physical presence to energetic or memory presence, but it's often traumatic and painful, and there's no roadmap for any of us.

Dirge Without Music
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.

The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

I hope that those that have left us are free and joyful. I hope they know how much we love them. And I wish, like the poet says, for one brief moment of having them physically near us again, although I know it's just not part of the deal.

Eye Candy

2008-06-13T00:09:00.002-04:00

I've been shirking my photography duties. Went out this morning early to Zilker Botanical Gardens and got some good shots. Hope you like!

Backyard miniature wildlife:
And the obligatory dog photo:

The silly side of self-knowledge

2008-06-11T17:05:00.004-04:00

Ever seen a tag cloud? It's a cluster of keywords that's visually grouped so that the most used words are larger and darker, and the least are smaller and lighter. Interesting way to get a visual snapshot of what people are interested in on a given site.

You can create a tag cloud of your own web pages at www.tagcrowd.com. Check mine out:

Hmmm, what does this say about me? I think it says I really like the word "really" really a lot, really. And chocolate. And people! Some interesting clusters of words turn into strangely alliterative phrases as well, like "interested labels learned less life" and "conversation cookies". Try it out for yourself and see what shows up.

Grammar-Related Health Issues

2008-06-10T19:59:00.004-04:00

I know that I do not always spell perfectly. I know that I really don't have a high horse on which to stand. But I can't help it, crazy bad use of punctuation, really crappy grammar, and lame spelling makes me nuts.

I used to be especially fixated on misuse of punctuation marks. It's rampant in Texas, but it happens everywhere, including our hotel in Belize:

What? Why emphasize "book activities" (<--see, right there it's correct because I'm quoting, see?) This makes my brain hurt. My favorite of all time was Rosie's Tamales on Oltorf St. in Austin. They had a big sign (for a couple of years) that said "NOW" Open. Even thinking about it gives me a headache. My latest obsession is apostrophes. People use them so artistically! For emphasis, just cause it looks cool, for anything except what they're intended for which is:

To indicate the possessive:
This is Shaun's tea towel. (The tea towel belongs to Shaun)
To create a contraction:
That's my tea towel. (That is my tea towel)

There is a tricky rule about using "it's" that I often screw up. You must not the apostrophe for the possessive, but you do it for the contraction: "It's a brand new day" (It is a brand new day).

So I know, lots of room to screw up, and as my editors (hi, Mom!) can tell you, I don't always get it right either. But I'm not talking about your run of the mill its/it's screw ups. It's the artistic license with which people use those little marks that really grinds me down. My favorite local taco joint recently revamped their website, and while it was much improved, there were frequent references to "chili's" on the menu. So I sent them an email:

Your new website is very nice, but you need to fix a spelling error on your menu. "chilies" (also can be spelled chiles or chilis) is plural, not possessive, so it's incorrect to use an apostrophe ("chili's" would mean "that which belongs to chili").
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/chilies

Love,
Your-friendly-neighborhood-know-it-all-who-loves-your-tacos

They didn't respond.
I fear that I'm fighting a losing battle here. But I have run across a couple of sympathetic people on the web:

The Apostrophe Protection Society
A website by a nice elderly British gent dedicated to saving society from apostrophe deterioration. Also really helpful with the whole its/it's and you're/your thing.
Passive-Agressive Notes
Brilliant blog documenting obnoxious notes people leave around. Tagged for your convenience with stuff including "CAPS LOCK" and "you call that punctuation?"
The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks

I am so glad that there are other people out there like me. Let me know if you have any grammatical pet peeves, and feel free to correct mine.

Rather a lot of updates

2008-06-07T12:24:00.006-04:00

I've been neglecting my blog lately, mostly because I don't know where to start. Life has been, well, crazy.

My Nana (paternal grandmother) passed away a couple of weeks ago, and that has been really hard. She was a really important part of my childhood and early adulthood. She suffered from dementia in her final several years, and was at a rest home in Santa Barbara near my parents and one of my aunts. I didn't spend very much time with her over the last few years, and when I did it was hard to relate her to the woman I knew during most of my life. So I have regrets, and sadness, and the usual anger and confusion and stress that comes with grieving. I like to think that her always free spirit is really free now and that she's in a joyful place.

It's impossible to encapsulate the things that she shared with me, and I'm not ready to go public with all those memories. I'm finding it strange to be grieving again at the same time of year last year I was grieving my dog Simon. Then last night I found out a friend from my early days in Austin passed away unexpectedly a year ago. She was 50. Her name was Breeze, and she taught me how to read tarot cards when I first moved back to Austin in 2001. She was quite a mystic, so I hope she's enjoying the next part of her journey.

Meanwhile, on the career front things are coming together. My company, DiamondMind Consulting is going to be officially incorporated in the next couple of weeks. We're making connections in the community and working on a case study. I'm also writing articles and developing presentations and workshops. I'm starting to get the hang of this entrepreneur/consultant thing:

Try Stuff
Make Mistakes
Try More Stuff.

Maybe I can expand that into a workshop...

Most of my ethics/business/OD blogging is going to be moving to my company blog. Please do check it out if you're interested in that sort of thing. My partners will be contributing their considerable wisdom as well.

Also on the happy front, David and I celebrate our Halfiversary on Monday. Six months of matrimony, and we haven't killed each other yet. And I think I've managed to actually send all my thank you letters for wedding presents. Please let me know if I missed you...

I'm going to try to be a better updater. Stay posted for more dog and food pictures.

We're Famous!

2008-05-24T00:57:00.002-04:00

http://www.luvmutt.com/blog/2008/05/loki-the-terrie.html

Desperately Seeking Solace, or What I learned from Buddhism

2008-05-11T12:24:00.008-04:00

This is a long rambley entry, so bear with me (or skip it.)

There is a lot to be learned from Buddhism, and it would be impossible absorb it all in one lifetime. Since I've moved away from the secularized version that is often practiced in America, and more towards Vedic, or Yogic traditions that form the foundations of both Buddhism and Hinduism, I've thought a lot about what didn't serve me when I was practicing in the Shambala tradition. Namely, what I saw as a nihilistic need to regard a mystical experience of God as a crutch, and some ethical problems stemming from guru worship.

Recently I've started to realize how much I have integrated into my world and self-view, and how it has helped prepare me for this next phase of my own spiritual journey. At the same time, I've begun to observe a pattern among my friends and peers in the 35-45 age range, and my Buddhist studies have helped me frame them.

Things change. I can't ignore it anymore. What's more, I'm old enough that things are starting to fall down faster than I can build them up. I may build a successful company, and I may write books. I may start a family. But I can't not get sick, I can't not age and die, and I can't keep those I love from experiencing the same things. I couldn't keep Simon from dying, and though the death of a dog may not seem that big on a universal scale, it shook my foundations. If Simon could leave, so could everything else.

Yes, everything is impermanent, and no, just trying to get used to that idea is not enough to make it tolerable. Not for me, anyway. So ultimately, I needed more than Buddhism (or at least the version I was studying) had to offer. I suspect that a lot of people my age are struggling with this transition, from the attaining/building/growing phase of life, to the beginning of the slowing/ending/dissipating part of life.

I've sought solace in relationships for a long time. Friends, lovers, family, pets; I've sought peace and balance, love and acceptance from other beings. Buddhism says that this seeking is itself a cause of suffering, and that when we cease seeking, we can find our own innate place in the universe. Only last year, after losing my certainty about my career (after I left my last job), and my dog Simon was I able to admit that I didn't know where I was going. That was really hard for me, because while I've never been one to join groups, I've always needed to identify myself with a verb of some kind: Student, Musician, Designer, Manager. I didn't know anymore what word to use to identify myself, or what words I might use in the future.

It was in this place of uncertainty, when the some of the things I clung to were no longer there, that I was able to start listening to my higher self, or the collective unconscious, or God, or whatever I choose to call it on any given day. Whatever. I could feel this connection and recognize it consciously at the same time, and I couldn't do that before. Why is this so important to me? Because life (and Buddhism) had taught me that nothing is stable, that things fall apart, and that clinging to them doesn't change a damn thing. Buddhism helped me realize that most people struggle with this, whether or not they know it. But my core, or soul, is always there no matter how much things change.

Some people I know just keep speeding up. They're the ones who have always been achievement focused, and have never really given themselves the option of just saying, "What the fuck am I doing?" and putting on the brakes for a while. If it worked before, and it's not working now, just do more of it. In these people I recognize the same aversion that I see to sitting with my mind quietly and seeing what arises, rather than trying to plan and control everything. It's funny how society brands depression as dysfunctional and those who experience it as less successful than those who just never stop. One way or another we all need a mental break sometimes. I think often depression is just our body-mind's way of letting us hibernate and germinate ourselves so we can deal with whatever just happened, or what comes next.

Others have gravitated towards ideologies, or organizations that have cult-like qualities, be they for work, self-improvement, or religion. Where the power of groupthink seems to momentarily free them from the fear of the unknown, but the anxiety that drives them is still readily apparent. This too, I feel like I've dabbled in myself. I certainly felt for a while that in Shambala, perhaps I'd found a belief system trustworthy enough to leave my critical mind at the door. That didn't work out so well.

Others have done what I was forced to do, and now am trying to sustain. Slowed down a bit. I still struggle daily with feeling as if I need to do more, be more, accomplish more. But on the other side of the equation, I can't really understand who I am and who I may become if I'm always running towards or away from something. I'm not saying I'm good at doing things slower, far from it. But between the two polarities of the drive of individual accomplishment and the pull of groupthink mentality, it's the only place that makes sense to me.

Buddhism prepared me for this place. I learned how to meditate, I learned to observe how the qualities of emotions and thoughts change when we observe them. I learned that there is no "being good at" in meditation, and that it's just as valuable when it's frustrating as when it's transcendent. I started to learn to listen and be, instead of talk and do.

It seems as if we're all finding ourselves well out of the barely post-adolescent mental state that is our twenties, and we're all trying to figure out what that means. We're losing grandparents, parents, uncles and aunts, and all the wisdom that we lose with them. We're creating new generations. We're trying to figure out what is really important to us, and what doesn't seem to matter so much anymore.

I know now that peace and contentment are way more important to me than excitement and drama. I like solitude and quiet a lot. Rather than condemning those who join religions, I believe in some form of God. I'm not so quick to judge people who believe different things than I do - spiritually or politically. I'm more interested in the creative process and less interested in showing off the results (though I think I will always be kind of a show-off). I'm more interested in healthy, strong relationships, and less interested in flattery and adulation. I know the difference now between real courage and empty bravado.

So what do you think? How are you dealing with this transition and how is it going? How have your values changed in the last few years? How are you finding meaning and fulfillment now as opposed to when you were younger? Drop me a line sometime and let me know.

A Conversation

2008-05-08T14:54:00.004-04:00

Him: I feel really awful today
Me: Are you getting sick?
Him: No.
Me: What do you think is wrong, then?
Him: *shrugs*
Me: What are your symptoms?
Him: *describes symptoms*
Me: Why is it that you are describing the symptoms of the stomach flu, and yet you don't think you are getting sick?
Him: I'm not getting sick, I am sick.
Me: Aaaahhh! *brain explodes*

Literal man strikes again. I pointed out that he could have avoided the twenty questions if he'd let me know he was making that distinction initially, but his response was the usual, "But then I would have had to use words."

The scary thing is I am becoming an amazingly astute mind-reading, but I guess my radar was down this time. Maybe I should take up palmistry...

Addiction No.1: Photography

2008-05-08T00:29:00.005-04:00

David and I are becoming photography junkies. This week we got a tripod, which really rocks for the long exposure photos, and a Nikon Speedlight flash, which is super cool because you can bounce the light off the ceiling and avoid casting hard shadows:

Yes, I know you saw that photo in my last post, but dude, check out the nice fuzzy soft barely-there shadow! I know! I'm a geek!

Even better, I can follow my dogs around with this huge rig of camera and get really good indoor shots with no red eye:

Doesn't he look great? Other than the put-upon expression, that is. Even Happy Buddha likes my new flash!

Cookies Are My Heroine

2008-04-29T16:05:00.005-04:00

This recipe has been dubbed "best ever" by my husband, who gets to eat Tiff's Treats on a regular basis. I surprised him with a box of freshly baked cookies a couple weeks ago when he had to work late (I so rock).

I love cookies. I love them in an indecent and dangerous way. And warm, homemade cookies are really just the bees knees. This recipe is adapted from a Cooking Light recipe, but there's nothing light about them when I'm done with it, other than the texture which is a little airier and chewier than your average cookie. Enjoy!

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour (about 5 1/2 ounces)
1 cup quick oats
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown
1/3 cup butter, softened
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1 large egg
1/2 cup chopped pecans, toasted
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips 1/2 cup white chocolate chips
1/4 cup finely shredded unsweetened coconut

Preheat oven to 350°.

Combine flour and next 4 ingredients (through salt), stirring with a whisk; set aside.

Place sugars and butter in a large bowl (I use my KitchenAid mixer); beat with a mixer at medium speed until well blended. Add vanilla and egg; beat until blended.

Gradually add flour mixture, beating at low speed just until combined. Stir in pecans, chips and coconut. Drop dough by tablespoonfuls 2 inches apart onto baking sheets lined with parchment paper. Bake at 350° for 12 minutes or until edges of cookies are lightly browned (they usually take a couple minutes longer in my oven, make sure they're not raw in the middle). Cool on pans 2 minutes. Remove cookies from pans; cool on wire racks.

Spirituality and Chocolate

2008-04-23T18:59:00.005-04:00

One of the things that confirmed my former distrust of religion took place when I was in the second grade. My best friend was a little girl who lived near me. She and her parents were very Christian, and my parents were very not. I didn't ask my friend about what she believed, but I knew that I, and my family, did not hold the same beliefs. My friend decided one day that she couldn't reconcile the fact that we were best friends and that I didn't believe in God. She told me that if I didn't start believing, we couldn't be friends. With infallible seven-year-old logic, I told her that that was absurd, and it would be like me telling her she had to stop believing to be my friend. This did not go over very well, and we stopped talking for a few days. Her parents subsequently convinced her that she should make up with me and stop pressuring me to have the same beliefs as her.

Until recently, I have steered very clear of discussions pertaining to religion with people who adhere to a specific church. But in the last few months, since my own spiritual awakening, I have cautiously stuck my toe back into the theological discussion pool. This is because my own experience has caused me to reframe how I interpret a lot of my past experiences, and to reconsider the judgments and assumptions I made about others' beliefs.

The first few discussions I had were very validating and open exchanges with other people whose path to spirituality had also been fairly winding and not always conventional. But more recently I've had some conversations with people who are stricter adherents to one specific religion or another, and those conversations have been frustrating and confusing.

Let me preface this by saying that I experience what many call God as a universal consciousness that, if I clear my head enough (or sometimes even if I don't), I can recognize is part of me, and that I am a very small part of it. The sense of "I" that separates me from everyone and everything else seems less substantial than it used to, and I also am capable of feeling more compassion and acceptance of myself and others than I did previously. Most religions, including Christianity, have something to say about God as the unnameable, unfathomable source of all existence. They also usually say, at some point, that God is love, and that God is accessible to everyone without any external help. So I think that the major religions have much in common, and are different culture's ways of interpreting what is a universal experience. That is why the same themes, archetypes, and stories show up in totally different regions at different points in history.

So to me, and many others, one religion does not invalidate another. Experiencing a profound sense of connection to the Virgin Mary does not mean that someone who connects to Ganesha is wrong and is worshiping a false God. It just means that the Virgin Mary is a symbol that resonates most closely with your experience of Spirit, while Ganesha is what provides that connection for someone else. Others connect to spirit through nature. Some religions don't anthropomorphize God at all, claiming that doing so may limit our ability to experience spirit.

The thing that is really giving me trouble these days is this very idea, that one path to spirituality is "better" than the next. And in this age of diversity and political correctness, it is rare that someone would come out and say that their religion is the only way. But I've had some conversations lately where that has been the not so subtle subtext.

So substitute "Chocolate" for your specific religious institution of choice, and the conversation goes something like this:

Me: I've discovered ice cream lately. Boy, is it great! I've tried several flavors, and I like home made vanilla the best so far.

Them: I was raised with Hershey's chocolate ice cream, and it makes me really happy. I don't know that much about your vanilla, but I'm sure it's fine.

Me: I don't object to chocolate, there are qualities I enjoy, but vanilla is what really works for me. I've also tried coffee and pistachio so far. I'm going to try some other flavors too, and see how I like them.

Them: But Hershy's chocolate is the original flavor, you can't really like ice cream unless you like chocolate.

Me: Actually, there were flavors before chocolate that shared similar qualities, and all ice cream is made of the same basic components, they just have different flavors.

Them: Just try some more chocolate. I'm sure you'll come to love it the way I do, and then you'll understand. All those other flavors are just poor imitations, you can't really love ice cream unless you love chocolate ice cream.

Me: Check, please.

After a while, I find myself wondering why the fact that a different flavor of ice cream (spirituality) is most appealing to me (after a lifetime of searching for one I like) should be so difficult for someone else to accept. The conclusion I tend to jump to is that the fact that I believe in something that on the surface seems different (or really just less clearly defined and dogmatic) is unsettling to them and may call into question their own beliefs. Which is weird to me, because I can't imagine telling someone that their connection to God isn't as strong, or valid, or advanced as my own. That would just be lame. I'm not questioning the validity of their relationship with God, why should they question mine?

And to get back to the chocolate metaphor, who can say what anything in this world smells, tastes, looks or feels like to another. One of my ex-boyfriends was red-green colorblind. He literally and provably saw the world differently than I did. Does that make what he saw a lie? Of course not. What I respond to and how I experience the world is not exactly the same as anyone else, and is not subject to debate. It just is. Perception by its nature can not be anything but individual and subjective.

So I guess I'm a little sad that I haven't been able to have a more constructive conversation regarding religion so far with people who are less universalist than I am. But I'm also kind of amused that in some ways, those conversations have born a striking resemblance to the one I had with my friend in the second grade. I'm just glad that her parents' take on their religion left room for people with different views, so we could still be friends.

Brave Sir Robin, no longer

2008-04-08T00:45:00.004-04:00

Loki has come along tremendously in the last few months. When we left for Hawaii in December, I was terrified of leaving him alone with a stranger (Bill, our house/dogsitter is possibly the most dog-friendly person EVER). Loki had never gotten comfortable with anyone besides David and myself. Sure enough, he didn't come out from under the bed and make friends with Bill until 5 days into our trip. (Yes, I called almost every day. Yes, I know I was on my honeymoon. I'm just crazy that way.) Eventually he decided that Bill was okay, but he would hop up with him on the couch at night to sleep and shiver for the first ten minutes. That's m'boy.

But after we got back, he seemed to have made some steps forward. He tolerated my parents' presence in the house for several days, and was more outgoing with visitors. We decided it was time for him to have a companion, and got Persephone. Backsliding commenced.

Loki seemed terribly hurt whenever we gave Persephone affection, and was more twitchy than ever. Lots of shaking, and when we had to correct Persephone for being a crazy terrier puppy, he was more traumatized than she was. So we hired a trainer.
At the same time I started reading Caesar Milan's book and watching his tv show. Blending the lessons from our trainer with Caesar's dog psychology approach, we realized that part of Loki's fearfulness was our over-nurturing behavior and lack of strong leadership. It took a while to change our habits, but we took his philosophy to heart and instituted stronger boundaries and rules, and more exercise for both of the dogs.

Today, Loki is almost a different creature. When we left town for our reception, we had a new dogsitter. I called after we got to California, dreading that Loki was cowering under the bed again. Brett said he'd taken about ten minutes to warm up. Both dogs slept with him every night. Loki has made friends with our trainer (dubbed FoodMan), is downright affectionate with my friend Emily, and totally loves playing with other dogs.

The clincher was this weekend. Usually I put off taking Loki to Petsmart for a nail trim because of the total carnage that ensues. He refuses to walk, barfs in the car, and struggles madly. It takes two groomers to clip his nails. This weekend there was no car barfing, I didn't have to carry him through the store, and the groomer practically berated me for warning him that Loki would struggle. He was a total lamb. David and I were both amazed. He didn't even sulk afterwards!

I used to think that you could love the trauma out of pets (and people), but really, that makes little sense. A toddler needs strong, clear boundaries to be healthy and safe, and so do dogs. If you don't dwell on their issues, neither do they. Go figure!

Weddingstravaganza, Part the Second

2008-04-03T10:21:00.005-04:00

We spent Friday through Monday in Santa Barbara doing the wedding thing all over again. My parents threw us a couple of great parties. They hosted a rehearsal dinner at the house, which my brother Shaun cooked a stupendous Ethiopian Feast for, and a luncheon at the Harbor Restaurant which is right down on the water. David's parents came out with us and got to enjoy a trip to the Botanic Gardens, The St. Barbara Mission (very historical), a whale watching trip, and a winery. David and I also went to the SB Zoo and took some cool pictures.

I went to the Botanic Gardens, and my friend Roxanna took me for a Bachelorette Breakfast and spa treatment. David and I ate some awesome food while we were there as well, we had a great Mexican dinner on Friday, I grabbed my favorite peanut butter banana smoothie from Blenders on Saturday, when we also enjoyed Shaun's feast, and we had some amazing sushi on Monday. So enjoy the photo tour below, lots more pictures on my Flickr page if you want to see more.

Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens:
The view
California State Flower
Ethiopian Feast:
Festivities in progress:

Iron Chef Shaun

Amber inspects the fish centerpieces for the reception:

Reception Day
Serenaded by Kaleo, longtime friend of Shaun and a native of Hawaii:
The amazing cake baked by my mom:

Last day, trip to the Zoo:
A final sushi lunch before the airport

Easter Turnips

2008-03-24T19:04:00.003-04:00

I decided to make a rosemary garlic root vegetable roast for Easter dinner. I included turnips. Never having cooked or eaten a turnip before, I mistakenly thought they were innocuous, potato-like items. I was so wrong. The resulting dish smelled like garlic scented ASS, and was unsuitable for human or canine consumption. Several scented candles and incense sticks later, our house still smells of turnips. All the turnip jokes in Black Adder make far more sense now. Turnips are gross.

Other than the turnip debacle, Easter was very lovely, and I got some great shots of David's niece Julie hunting for Easter eggs and blowing bubbles, and of Anna and George's awesome garden. Enjoy!

Long time no blog

2008-03-20T14:46:00.002-04:00

My days feel scattered and hard to nail down. Having a day job puts this nice delineated structure around my time, and I'm still trying to deal with the lack of it, much as I enjoy being my own boss.

I realized I wasn't taking enough time for my physical-mental health, and instituted a bit of a morning yoga stretching and meditation routine. To the left is my new Ganesha statue for my meditation altar. I looked around quite a bit to find one I liked. Ganesha is a god of success. He clears obstacles and represents wisdom and intellect. Ganesha is here to help me stay focused on my endeavors, but also to stay grounded.

I have a thing for elephants, I find them beautiful and mesmerizing. It's probably projection, but they seem very soulful and deliberate. One of the most touching things I ever saw was a baby elephant playing by itself at a zoo. It seemed so intelligent, and so much like a little kid just entertaining himself and having fun being little.

So I consider elephants to be my totem animal. I collect elephant stuff, though I'm trying to limit that collection to a reasonable one. David would not be happy if we had elephant stuff everywhere. These are some carved stone elephants. I found both these and the statue at White Crane, a store associated with a holistic medicine school. The store has some cool stuff and the prices are pretty reasonable.

Next weekend we head to Santa Barbara for our second wedding reception. We're really looking forward to seeing people, to Shaun's awesome dinner, and to dragging our camera EVERYWHERE to take pictures. Austin has some nice scenery this time of year, but Santa Barbara has a plethora of vistas. Everything is a vista. So keep an eye on my Flickr page, hopefully we'll have some good stuff up late next week.

More pictures

2008-03-03T12:15:00.002-05:00

Starting your own business eats your brain. Just thought I'd put that out there. So, in the meantime, more pictures:

David took this one in our backyard.

We went to Mayfield Park on Saturday and took loads of pictures.

Another cool one by David.

There's a duck pond in our neighborhood.

Not such a light topic

2008-02-18T11:57:00.003-05:00

I watched the movie Waitress last night. It's really good, great script, good cast. The story is about a young woman living in rural somewhere America with an abusive husband. She's a waitress and has a major talent for cooking, she directs all her pent up emotions into creating amazing pie recipes. It's quirky and funny, but also pretty intense as in spite of the fluffy trappings, the characters are more realistic that one would expect.

The reason I'm writing about it is because it brought up a lot of memories for me. I was in an abusive relationship in my late teens-early twenties. We were together for 4 1/2 years, living together for most of that time. My close friends and family remember that period with horror, they were terrified I would marry my boyfriend and end up more trapped than I already was. A user review I read of Waitress an iTunes panned it for having "stereotypical" characters. But the thing about stereotypes is they have some grounding in reality. And the abusive husband in this film was not portrayed just as a hulking, threatening, knuckle-dragger. He was also incredibly insecure, incapable of hearing any version of reality that made him uncomfortable - he would literally tell his wife exactly what words to say in order to make him feel better. He would beg for reassurance and induce guilt and fear to get it. When he couldn't control the world around him, he became verbally and physically abusive. This is actually much closer to the reality of abusive relationships that the way they are often portrayed in cinema and on TV.

The relationship I was in probably looked creepy from the outside, but many of my friends and family didn't recognize the warning signs, or even believe me when I first started talking about it - several years in. Abusive people can be charming, kind, generous, and friendly. They do not have "poor anger management" tattooed to their foreheads. My boyfriend was very smart and witty, kind of childlike in demeanor, and often generous to a fault with his friends. The side that very few people saw was the toddler-like screaming tantrums, the dangerous road rage, the stuff he broke in anger, the way he used fear, guilt, and shame to control and manipulate me, the fights he picked that would go on all night (often right before I had an important test or performance), the extreme jealousy, and the hitting.

People who have been in abusive relationships live with the stigma of having "allowed" these things to happen to them. As a result we often feel that others see us as weak-minded or innately damaged in some way. I still struggle with shame over having let this man, and other people treat me in a way I would never want anyone I love to be treated.

What people don't understand is that abusers are master manipulators, and they don't just use fear and anger to control others. They may also use flattery, gifts, affection, and charisma to get what they want. But underneath the adult body and vocabulary is usually a spoiled, terrified toddler who will do anything to feel safe and secure. Adult reasoning and ethics don't apply, in fact my ex was a genius when it came to using big words to rationalize very irrational and often destructive feelings and desires.

The important thing to remember if you feel trapped in a destructive relationship of any kind (it could be with a spouse or lover, friend, teacher, employer, or relative) is the abuser needs you more than you need them. Most of their energy is spent trying to convince you that it's the other way around, but it's not. They may think that they can't live without you, but you can live without them. It's important also to remember that that intense need is also somewhat addictive, especially if you have your own insecurities about being lovable or desirable. Abusers are very good at magnifying and manipulating your fears.

If you have had an abusive relationship, another important thing to be aware of is your own need to control based on insecurity and fear. It's well documented that abused children can become abusive parents. When I stopped having relationships where I was being controlled, I had to examine my own tendencies towards jealous and controlling behavior. I had to choose to deal with my fears direcly, rather than projecting them on my partner and blaming him. Having been abused does not make us incapable of being an abuser, but it does give us a greater responsibility to stop the cycle.

How do you know if a relationship is abusive? If the other person is very critical, makes you feel worthless or repulsive, if you have arguments that seem to stretch out forever, or if your partner gets angry if you spend time with other people or talk about your relationship with others, these are some major indicators. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, ask for help. Ask people you truly trust to listen to you without judgement, and talk to a counselor or therapist. You are not alone. You are not trapped. You are entitled to be treated with respect. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not someone you want in your life.

Shutterbuggy

2008-02-13T00:45:00.003-05:00

I've become a bit of a photography nut over the last couple of months. David started it all by insisting we borrow his dad's Canon Rebel for our trip to Hawaii. Having never taken photos with anything but a point and shoot, I was intimidated. But once I got my first taste of a zoom lens, I was hooked.

I'm finding that photography is a really cool expressive art form. Photographs show others what I see when I look at the world, but they actually show me as well. I start to understand what data I take in with my eyes, and what I disregard, and this leads me to start to question others about the same thing. We all process information really differently, it turns out. Really good photos, like any other art form, illicit emotions from viewers, but those emotions and impressions can vary infinitely. Mostly, I'm just really enjoying the hell out of taking pictures and seeing how they come out.

When we got back, David got us a Nikon D300 for a wedding present. Overkill, to be sure, but this puppy takes some damn fine pictures. Below are a few of my favorites of the ones I've taken so far.

Persephone

Maxine

Manhole cover on our street

Backyard color

Jack

Winter sky and trees

Cabbage flower

A complete, ongoing set of my favorite shots is here.

Pork Fat Rules!

2008-02-04T09:21:00.000-05:00

I heart bacon. I really do. And yet, I also attempt to eat healthy on a semi-regular basis. Until recently, I never thought it would be possible to indulge my love of pork products with conscientious eating habits. But then I discovered the beauty that is Cooking Light's online recipe search. They have tons of recipes that include judicious amounts of your favorite naughty foods, but do not contain obnoxious amounts of fat, calories, etc. Here are a few of my absolute favorites:

Pasta Carbonara Florentine - this recipe is the ultimate comfort pasta dish. Carbonara is an egg and cream based sauce (minus the cream in this case). Lots of nummy bacon, drained, with just a touch of the bacon grease reserved to sautee the onions and spinach. I use pecorino romano instead of parmesan, it has more of a bite, and I up the black pepper a bit. Heavenly.

Herbed Fish and Red Potato Chowder - I make this when David brings me back a mess of trout and redfish from his fishing trips with his brothers and dad. It's rich and tasty.

Pork Saltimbocca with Polenta - My Italian food expert friend Ryan informs me that this is a traditional Roman dish, but it usually calls for veal which I don't eat. So this is a double win for me, it's relatively easy to prep and the flavor of the prosciutto (I recommend jamon serrano - the Spanish version of prosciutto) with the sage is just wonderful.

Wasabi and Panko-crusted Pork with Gingered Soy Sauce - Panko is a Japanese breadcrumb. Used correctly, it adds a crunch more reminiscent of battered fried food than Italian breadcrumbs. This recipe is super easy, really delish, and the same techniques can be applied to the alternate meat or fish or your choice with equally good results.

Finding these and other recipes seriously makes me feel like I've won the food lottery. If you're interested in more naughty-healthy recommendations, leave me a comment or email me, I have a whole list of them, including some decadent desserts.

Apple and Ethics

2008-01-28T23:18:00.000-05:00

Several months ago, my research team did an ethics audit comparison of Microsoft and Apple. Surprisingly, Microsoft came out overwhelmingly in the lead on most ethics and governance issues. Apple has a dismal track record on environmental concerns, seems to have little sense of global social responsibility beyond the education realm, and has been targeted for poor labor practices in China. This is distressing, as I vastly prefer their products to Microsoft's. I love the industrial design, the user interface, and just the bloody cleverness of the products and how they market them. What I do not like are first release products with giant bugs, software with giant bugs, snotty customer service, and difficulty finding documentation on known issues.

So let's add to this list: Deceptive Business Practices

This week Apple announced that you can now rent videos on iTunes. You pay for the movie, download it (this takes about two hours with DSL) and then you can watch it on the Apple device of your choice, including Apple TV, which we have. You have to watch the movie within 24 hours of starting it. So I figured it would be fun to try it out on Saturday night after dinner. After waiting two hours for the download, I spent the remaining two hours of the evening trying to get my Apple TV to recognize the file. I tried every suggestion I could find on the support site, and finally came across a document explaining how to transfer a rental to my Apple TV. Unfortunately, the interface described in the document didn't exist. So I emailed iTunes support asking where it was. I got this response:

"All the new features of Apple TV—including movie rentals—are coming soon as a free software upgrade."

Gosh, there's a really big difference between "now available" and "coming soon". So I emailed back:

"Why are there instructions on how to transfer rentals to my apple tv on your support site when it is actually not possible yet? This is misleading and unethical."

And received this response:

"Thank you for responding. I entirely agree that it is misleading, although I will dispute the "unethical" with you.

So my question is, how is a statement that is knowingly untrue not unethical? The customer service rep went on to explain that it was okay because they were releasing the software upgrade soon that would fix the problem, and other parts of the documentation were actually already accurate.

Not so much.

This is a BIG problem. Selling something under false pretenses is not cool. Ever. And saying that since some of it was accurate, it's okay that other parts were misleading does not make it better, it makes it worse.

I believe that Apple suffers from the same disease that I used to observe in the opera industry. When you worked with a talented person, say a really great conductor, if they acted abusively or sexually inappropriately, people would excuse it, saying he/she was a genius, or brilliant, as if one canceled out the other. But in the grownup world, someone can actually be brilliant and abusive, or talented and immature. Both qualities can exist in the same person, and the negative traits may in fact prohibit the person from being able to exercise the positive ones. But in the entertainment industry, people seem unable to resolve this dichotomy.

Similarly, Apple, and I think probably specifically Steve Jobs, seem to think that because they are design and interface geniuses, that they are not subject to the same basic ethical scrutiny as other companies. They are wrong, as the increasing number of lawsuits against Apple show.

Rather than expound even more on the possible effects of poor ethical practices, I will distill my advice to Steve Jobs and Apple into two words:

Grow up.

Learn to be a responsible, adult member of the world business community and adhere to commonly recognized ethical principals (and the ethical minimums dictated by those pesky law things). Stop behaving as if being smart/talented/pretty places you outside the social norms or the law. It doesn't.

Latest Addictions

2008-01-28T01:00:00.000-05:00

Torchy's Tacos - The best tacos in town, pretty much. While it's hard to beat Taco Deli's Jess Special for breakfast taco goodness, Torcy's Dirty Sanchez may just have done it. Don't know what the hell I'm talking about? Go try it yourself.

My new camera - I have no idea what most of the buttons on this monster do, but it shure takes purty pitchers.

Terriers - I can't help it, I love my crazy dogs. You might have figured that out already. Ahem.

Steve Madden Shoes - Got two new pairs for Weddingstravaganza, and now I want MORE.

Relaxation - Well-deserved or not, I've been taking a much needed break from pretty much everything. My psyche thanks me.

Parties and Terriers

2008-01-26T07:33:00.000-05:00

When they can't get my attention, they wail on each other in the most amusing fashion.

I've been out of commission this week, I got the stomach flu the day after my wedding reception. And while it sucked, I am so very happy that it didn't happen that weekend. All the parties were fun, and we had a great turnout at the reception. Kyla's wedding cake was amazing, and Tracy and Donald took a million pictures, a selection of which can be seen on my flickr page (click on the badge to the right). Connie made me a fabulous necklace to wear, and Tracy did my hair and makeup. All in all, it was a great weekend. My childhood friend Roxanna and her husband Nic and baby Maxine came out for the ~~madness~~ fun, which was really cool. My brother was also out to visit and we got to take him to Fonda San Miguel for dinner, which he'd been looking forward to since I got him the cookbook for Christmas a couple years ago.

Anyway, I've had to take it uncharacteristically easy this week, which is probably good for me, as I've been running at top speed for a few months now. Funny how your body forces you to slow down when your mind won't take the hint. Hello, three flus in three months? Blah.

I'm glad Weddingstravaganza I went well, part II will be in Santa Barbara in March, date TBA. In between I plan to write, rest, do more yoga, and have a nice, quiet celebration for my husband's birthday.

Weddingstravaganza

2008-01-20T07:27:00.000-05:00

Mad props to my girlfriends for throwing me a fab shower. Especially the mastermind, Tracy! It was really cool, Hawaiian themed with lots of beautiful touches. The food and drink were awesome, and Kyla's Chai Cake was to die for! Thanks to all the helpers, Roxanna, Claire, Gloria, Steph, and Kyla (I hope I didn't miss anyone)! I feel very loved and blessed. And I have some hot new lingerie, so David thanks you too :)

Pictures soon!

The madness continues...

2008-01-17T11:53:00.001-05:00

Click on the picture for the animated version.

Stop Terrierism at Home!

2008-01-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

This message brought to you by Citizens against Terrierism.

Today's show was brought to you by the letter "V"

2008-01-15T10:13:00.001-05:00

Life at home with two young, affectionate, completely insano terriers has been fairly eventful. Especially for our now naked couches, whose adornment was sacrificed to Persephone, Queen of The Underworld, Destroyer of Pillows.
Miss Priss, as I like to call her, seems all demure and sweet, but she is a terror when it comes to soft wares. And poor Loki doesn't seem to be able to tell the difference between "Bad girl!" and "Bad boy!" This is actually pretty stressful for me, because was clear from the beginning that Loki had been badly abused, and so it becomes an issue to provide basic corrections to Persephone, because he starts to regress. I've got a call out to a trainer, but I suspect it's going to mean group classes for Persephone, and home training for Loki.

Other than all that drama, which is mostly fun drama, Weddingstravaganza I is almost here. David and I have relatives and friends coming in from all over, and have a variety of events to manage over the next week or so. I'm looking forward to it, but it's amazing how weddingy my elopment has gotten. I suspect I have only myself to blame.

What is really important is that I am very happily married to my favorite person on earth, and that is what we are celebrating. And also that I got a great dress and killer shoes.

And then there were two.

2008-01-05T20:09:00.001-05:00

No, this isn't a dark picture of Loki. It's our new addition, Persephone. Loki has really come out of his shell in the last few weeks, and while we're really glad that he's less timid and submissive, this means that his true terrier-ness is starting to show. This has most recently taken the form of several eviscerated stuffed animals. We decided it was time for him to have a sister, as it would take a team of specialists to keep a terrier entertained all day, and I have to do things like work and go to meetings and breathe and stuff.

This photo happened after a trip to the backyard where Loki finally lost all reason and ran around Persephone in circles growling and barking. He really wanted to play, but she's still a bit unsure. She's very affectionate and sweet, and so far fairly tolerant of her hyper-competitive older brother. I expect much doggy madness to ensue over the next few days. Technically, she's on a trial period with us, but I think she's going to work out really well.

Plus, they match! For more pictures (updated regularly) visit Persephone's flickr photo collection.

Love. It.

2008-01-05T12:39:00.001-05:00

http://www.disapprovingrabbits.com/2008/01/yogi.html

Life Lessons

2007-12-30T00:20:00.001-05:00

I've come down with a crappy cold, it seems like just yesterday I had a similar bug. But so it goes. It's given me some time to just chill out and stop running around like a crazed weasel. The weasel-go-round has been pretty non-stop since we got back from Hawaii, and I've given myself precious little time to just be. Be married. Be peaceful. Be quiet. Already.

So I've had time to read a book that one of my friends gave me for my birthday called Eat Pray Love. This is an awesome book. If you're in any way a spiritual seeker, or if you're in any way a woman, this is a great book. It's an autobiography of a year of travel and spiritual seeking, and the author is painfully honest about her own shortcomings, her frustrations and personal pain. It's also really funny in parts, and very inspiring. So many of her obstacles remind me of my own, and of how much the universe has to teach us if we would just shut up and listen for a minute.

So that's my New Year's Resolution for this year. Shut up and listen. This book reminded me that we don't find meaning or God or connectedness through ruminating about the past or imagining the future. Those activities have their place, but the most powerful and poignant experiences are found right now. So I'm going to listen more. Listen to silence. Listen to those around me. Listen to myself. Listen to my dog.

This does not mean that I plan to cure myself of my endless diarrhea of the mouth (or of the keyboard), or that I will transform from an analytical, inquisitive person into a Zen master. I have no plans to stop being me. I'm just going to listen a little harder to the world around and inside me to determine who me really is, and maybe to help her expand a bit.

Whirlwind Tour

2007-12-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

The holidays were nice this year, if a bit hectic. In the space of two weeks, I gave my thesis presentation, turned in our paper, got engaged, went to Hawaii, got married, hosted my parents, graduated, had a birthday and Christmas and started planning our reception.

Whew.

Any one of these events would be exciting (and possibly overwhelming) one at a time, but the confluence of events has made it challenging to keep my head. Still, I am surely thankful for all of these good things in my life, and we've gotten so many good wishes from friends and family! I am looking forward to settling into being married, graduated, and older.

Merry Holidays

2007-12-20T22:28:00.000-05:00

What is it like trying to find a cocktail dress days before Christmas when all the over size eights are long gone? Not. Fun.

http://www.disapprovingrabbits.com/2007/12/tucker.html

The definition of courage.

2007-12-15T06:46:00.001-05:00

http://www.dooce.com/2007/12/13/because-i-couldnt-say-it-phone

Orchids, Lava, and Waterfalls

2007-12-13T02:40:00.000-05:00

Pretty much describes my day. We drove to Hilo on the other side of the island. It poured rain most of the way, but we braved our way though the Botanic Gardens, which came highly recommended. Armed with $2 plastic raincoats, a loaner umbrella, and bug spray, we traversed a mile or so of rainforest riddled with interesting plants and flowers. It was drippy, but fun. The pictures aren't as good as I'd have liked, we opted to leave our excellent loaner camera safe in the dry car.

Then we headed into Hilo where we took a helicoptor tour. It was a bit of a white-knuckle ride for both of us (and a bit green-faced for me) but it was really cool to be able to see bits of the active volcano - there's no foot access right now.

After some ginger-ale, we headed back towards Kona, but stopped at this amazing waterfall. Then it was back to the hotel for some much needed rest. zzzzzzz....

Volcanos and Black Sand

2007-12-12T10:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we traveled down the coast, around the tip of the island, and into volcano country. We saw some really cool stuff. We took a short hike around a steam vent area. There are these big cracks in the earth with plants growing out of them and steam bellowing up. Very prehistoric looking, I kept expecting a T-Rex to go crashing by.

Then we looked at this HUGE crater of an inactive volcano. The area at the top of the mountain is very arid and dry (and rainy and cold), but then we drove down to where the lava tube was (a big cave created by lava) and it was warm and humid and very tropical. The lava tube was cool, and very dark.

After that, we drove all the way down the coast past a bunch of craters to an area where there are petroglyphs carved in the volcanic rock. That was really cool. Many pictures.

Then we drove home, but stopped at a black sand beach that was riddled with turtles.

Things I learned yesterday: Chocolate covered macadamia nuts are evil. EVIL. Remember to bring a swanky dive flashlight if you're going to hike through a cave (we didn't).

Today we're driving north to see some waterfalls, and then taking a helicopter tour of the lava flows. Very cool. Hopefully we'll get some good pictures.

Hawaii, continued.

2007-12-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

The newlyweds split up this morning to pursue their own activities. David went diving. He saw some cool fish, some wacky looking lobster, and a huge freaking humpback whale. He's doing a night dive tonight with manta rays.

I, on the other hand, pursued my love of coffee into the mountains south of our hotel.
There are hundreds of coffee plantations in that area, each one being fairly small because of the labor-intensity of harvesting coffee. I learned a whole lot about coffee, and I got very, very, very wired.

I visited Kona Joe's coffee plantation where they grow coffee in a vinyard-style like wine. This is supposed to make the beans ripen more evenly, and produces higher yields. The coffee was really good, I had a cup of the medium roast, cafe au lait style.

Then I went to Greenwell Farms a bit further down the road. They have lots of fruit trees, and amazing coffee. I took a bunch of pictures there as well. I saw some cool wildlife - birds and colorful lizards. The scenery is beautiful just about everywhere you go.

We're going to drive further down the coast tomorrow, and then visit the volcanoes on Weds. via some hiking and a helicopter tour. More pictures to come, watch my flickr page.

Mawwiage

2007-12-09T17:38:00.000-05:00

Mawwiage.
We done went and got married.
(<--click the picture for more pictures)

Aloha, peoples.

2007-12-08T20:48:00.000-05:00

We are in Hawaii. It is freaking gorgeous here. Everything is beautiful. Rocks, trees, plants, water. Really amazing. People are also really nice, and it's an easy trip for me to the driver on because everyone here drives like me - a very cautious Grandma. I've gotten confused and turned around a bunch of times, but I have yet to hear anyone honk.

The weather is pretty beautiful, though it's been a bit stormy. Humid, upper 70s low 80s. Ideal for a nice winter getaway.

We're staying at the Sheraton, which is pretty, but fairly lame. I always thought I'd love staying at a luxury hotel, but in fact, deep down, I am a cheap ass. It's not luxury enough to be actually luxurious, and they charge you for EVERYTHING. The very pricey restaurant totally sucks, too. Lame.

Still, the bed is comfy, the views are great, and the staff is helpful. So can't really complain. Except I just did.

We drove down the coast today to an historical sight where most of these pictures were taken. Some spectacular views, foliage, and wildlife.

David's dad George* kindly lent us his amazing camera, which makes even a spaz like me look like a good photographer.

Jet lag is kicking our asses. We managed to sleep until 4 this morning, and then got hit with the tired baseball bat around 6pm, when coherent sentences stopped happening.

Check my flickr page for updates, I'll be posting more tomorrow, most likely.

*George, consider yourself blogged.

End of the road

2007-11-29T01:06:00.000-05:00

I stole this from Cortney:

We turned in our thesis tonight! Woo! And had a good dress rehearsal for the presentation. A few tweaks and I think it will be really hot. And then I will be really hot in Hawaii!

I told you there'd be more

2007-11-25T23:04:00.000-05:00

One of the things I've been thinking about lately is a woman in a film that one of my professors showed us. She had advanced leprosy, had lost facial features and limbs, but when someone asked her how her life was, she said she was full of joy because life was beautiful and God was with her. At the time it was incomprehensible to me, I saw it as delusional - a defense mechanism against the harshness of reality.

But now I think something else entirely. Life can be physically and emotionally ecstatic when we're connected to ourselves and to our source, and I think that we are capable of remaining connected even when we're in terrible physical, emotional, or mental pain. Even if my foot is aching, the rest of my body can still feel good. Breathing feels good. My aching foot doesn't nullify that experience. Some pain is probably more insistent, but I think it's amazing that this woman whose life was unbelievably terrible by most "standards", had an ecstatic experience of life.

I think that pain is most frightening when we are cut off from our source (which I can only reach from within myself) and feel totally alone. Some people find that suffering strips them of belief - if God loves them, why do the innocent suffer?

Innocent or not, I have experienced emotional and mental pain, all the more because I didn't believe in anything beyond my awareness. For me the key word is "believe". I did not reach this different place in my spiritual journey by changing my beliefs. My experience of existence changed. I don't believe in God, I am experiencing God. For me, experience is not contingent upon a belief or lack of belief. Hopefully this means that as my awareness expands, I don't have to fight my own self-imposed boundaries. I don't believe, I experience. That means I also don't have to argue with anyone else about the validity of my experience, since it's entirely subjective. If I share my experience, some people will find it interesting, some will label me deluded, and with others it will resonate. This doesn't change my experience, and it is not meant to change anyone else's.

All the same, I wonder if belief is easier to maintain during difficult times. I'm finding that when I'm stressed out or depressed, my connection to spirit is tenuous at best. I find myself grasping, trying to re-capture the sense of happiness and peace I've experienced lately. It turns out that a shift in my perspective does not obliterate all of my baggage in one fell swoop. Damn.

Instead of grasping, I'm trying to remember a few basic things: I can only find peace within myself, it does not come from externalities. I don't have to cling to suffering, I can let it go when it's told me whatever it's there to convey. I can let go of the illusion that I can control things that I cannot. The ego is a tricky thing -- it sneaks back into the equation when you're not looking, and convinces you that your limited awareness is the sum of reality.

Last week I got into Baylor Law School for the spring. My ego, tricky little bastard that it is, told me that this meant I was destined to go there, and that everything was working out because of my newfound spiritual resonance. Silly rabbit. Then I found out that Baylor was giving me exactly nothing in scholarships, and to pay for it I would have to max out my student loans for thee years and take out additional supplemental loans. The degree would cost me 90k. Suddenly Baylor did not look like my pre-destined path. And my ego decided that it must be because I did something wrong - didn't study for the LSAT enough, got over-confident. It felt like my fate was rejecting me, and it stung.

But here's the thing: it's always a trap when you think good things happen to you because you're good, and bad things happen to you (or someone else) because you (or they) are bad. If the Universe is guiding us through multiple incarnations to enlightenment, as the Upanishads say, or God has a plan, as many Christians believe, the point is we're really not going to see the point when we're up close to it. Our egos like to feel like they understand, that they're in some kind of control, but they're not. My ego wanted to believe that Baylor was the plan, because my ego really dislikes the unknown, but the flip side of that over simplification is the emotional smackdown I end up taking when things do not go as I desire them to. I feel that, as the Upanishads say, God or Self is beyond duality, and our egos are all about duality. Something I need to remember the next time I convince myself that suffering=punishment and pleasure=reward.

Pema Chodron says that life is a big, smelly, interesting mess of experiences, and that none of them, whether they are pleasant or painful, are intrinsically bad. They're just the stuff of life. Literally.

Current Addictions

2007-11-25T09:09:00.000-05:00

these brownies
books by Deepak Chopra
my new iMac with Leopard
CS3 (except the crashing)
Iron and Wine
the dog (who is the ultimate foot warmer in cold weather)
Yoga Nidra

Thankiness

2007-11-22T22:56:00.000-05:00

Things I am thankful for today:

David and his lovely family
Great friends
Loki (in spite of the fact that he spent most of the day hiding under the bed)
Cooking my first turkey and having it come out YUMMY.
Iron and Wine
Helpful motherly Thanksgiving cooking advice from Nancy and Anna-Marie
A really excellent couple of weeks

Coming Out

2007-11-17T01:34:00.000-05:00

I've been experiencing something very new recently, and I've been unsure about whether or not to discuss it/blog about it. Spirituality is controversial at best, and people tend to have very powerful feelings about it, for good or ill.

I find that I've always linked spirituality and religion, and assumed that if I believed in God, I would be joining the unenlightened masses that believe in a male, humanoid, capricious, cruel, often discriminatory, and all-powerful deity (this secular perspective of religion, while terribly reductionist and judgmental, is not uncommon). In spite of this, I have been spiritually seeking for a long time, for the last ten years or so at least.

What have I been seeking? Insight, truth, some sense of belonging, justice, kindness, peace. It is a very long list. But I have never felt the presence of God, nor have I felt any real connection to most of the religious texts I've read or rituals I've witnessed. I often experienced it as empty, cryptic, contradictory, and conformist. My belief system has been largely agnostic, humanistic, and rationalistic. While I've felt some sense of resonance with the work of Jung and Campbell on archetypes, myths, and the collective unconscious, and an affinity for Buddhist practices and principals, I have always felt very much cosmically alone.

As I've gotten older, that sense of being alone has become harder to ignore, and harder to tolerate. As we age, the inevitability of our own death (scary) and of those we love (scarier) becomes inescapable. Buddhist principals say we should neither cling to pleasure or run from pain, but this is incredibly difficult when what lies beneath the clinging and running is emptiness, fear, and often in my case, despair. Easier to be caught in the karmic wheel than face the abyss. Anxiety and depression have been the periodic result of this struggle.

Recently my perspective has shifted dramatically. I have experienced a spiritual awakening. I don't know a better way to describe it. I have become aware, from deep in my being, that we are not alone. I have begun to experience God or Atman/Self or God-Consciousness (call it what you want) in a way that is very immediate and tangible. It is a mental, emotional, and physical experience.

I've been reading a whole lot of stuff to try and help me understand what I'm experiencing. Deepak Chopra, The Upanishads (pre-Hindu texts), Rumi, Hildegard von Bingen, the Thomas Gospel (this is one of the Gnostic texts - concurrent with the bible but not associated with the church), and a stack of other books. I've had to re-evaluate my fairly ignorant opinions of people with religious or spiritual beliefs. I'm realizing that strict rationalism or humanism that excludes the validity of others' spiritual experiences is just as dogmatic as any religion that does not allow for a personal experience of God.

My beliefs are no longer secular, but they are also not strictly religious either. I think that all of the universe and what lies beyond is some form of consciousness, and that I am part of that consciousness. It feels as if I am a cell in a body that exists to experience itself - my life is a vital part of that consciousness' awareness. This leads me to feel as if the difference between myself and other beings is not as substantial as it once seemed. It also gives me a profound sense of the ecstatic quality of life, something I have had difficulty accessing in the past. I find it easier to forgive myself and others, and easier to let go of fear and shame, emotions that have been very difficult to release in the past.

Strangely, I have been drawing mandalas for years, mostly because I thought they looked cool. Now I think perhaps my higher conciousness was struggling to express itself.

I decided to write about this because I really like to blog about my thoughts and feelings, what I've been reading, and my personal reflections. This is a big shift, and has brought on quite a bit of obsessive book reading, so I'm sure there will be more about it in the future. I am a little worried about the reaction of some of the people I know read this blog, but I think it's worth it to stay authentic in a forum where that's kind of the point, you know?

Parallel Universe

2007-11-08T23:05:00.000-05:00

I swear, job hunting in this town is just like dating in this town. You post your online personal/resume and inquire about interesting people/positions. Prospective dates/employers contact you and you begin conversation/flirting/negotiations. You have a phone conversation/interview. You have a first date/on site interview. You wear your nicest clothes and try not to seem too slutty/desperate (even if you are). You try to keep you wits about you by not drinking too much tequila/coffee. You want to come across as witty/intelligent and attractive/a good investment.

Then the date/interview is over. You wait by the phone. You check your email constantly. You try and predict whether or not your date/possible future boss liked you, how long it will take them to contact you, whether or not you should contact them. You imagine possible future scenarios, both good and bad. You come up with wild theories for why they haven't called you yet.

And of course, you face the inevitable rejections that come with dating/job hunting. Your date/interviewer says, "I really enjoyed our dinner/interview, I'll be contacting you very soon. When are you free/what is your availability next week?" And then... crickets. Or the classic lame excuses: "I couldn't call, my cell phone died and my toilet overflowed."/ "I got swamped and we decided to go with someone else (so I didn't bother to tell you I'd canceled your interview or given the contract to someone else)."

The emotions that go along with these two scenarios are about the same. One is about the hope of future happiness, while the other is about future paying of bills, but both tend to affect how I feel about myself, at least temporarily. Both also take a certain amount of resilience, and a good sense of humor.

More fun with technology

2007-11-02T12:28:00.001-04:00

Though I am a self-professed brand whore, Apple is really starting to piss me off.

I had backed up all my TV shows purchased through iTunes on my external hard drive. Smart, right? So after the big crash, I copied everything down to my new computer, and then synched it to my iPod. Oh, but first, I had to get a third party program to grab stuff from my iPod and put it on my Mac, because Apple doesn't like you using your iPod as a hard drive - you might be using it for naughty pirate activity or something. Whatever. So I got all my data on my new computer, and then synched to my iPod. Then I deleted off my computer the stuff I don't need - namely $200 worth of television shows that suck up enormous amounts of space.

Guess what happened? The next time I plugged in my iPod, it removed it all. Yep. No more TV shows, anywhere. Lovely.

At a friend's urging, I emailed Apple (let me say, finding a customer service email on that website is no mean feat, and don't even get me started on Adobe) and said my stuff had been eaten.

I got an email back saying I could re-download everything I'd ever bought, and chiding me for losing my data. Obviously they didn't read my original email where I said I had backed up everything, but then freaking iTunes ate it all.

So now I'm re-downloading about 50 gigs worth of stuff. Why am I downloading all of it, rather than just the stuff I want, you ask? Well, I tried that, but iTunes freaks out and starts re-downloading the stuff again anyway. So I'm going through all my files (again) and trashing the old ones, which I will delete when all this crap is done re-downloading.

Not the most efficient system ever created. And I guess I'm going to burn my library to DVDs or something, since there's no way to sync your iPod without it removing stuff you've deleted from your hard drive.

Microsoft is looking pretty sweet right about now.

Tragedy Strikes

2007-10-28T18:41:00.001-04:00

This morning my computer succumbed to the mac version of the Blue Screen of Death. Hard drive go boom. Very lame. The apple ~~geniuses~~ snots couldn't recover my data, and they wouldn't let me keep my hosed drive for data recovery if they were going to replace it. So I got a brand spanking new iMac, and it is a lickable piece of hardware, I tell you what. 20-inch super hi-res screen. Very nice. I still have to decide if it's worth paying to recover my hard drive before I have the apple folks replace it. I'm currently trying to get all my thesis data, school stuff, random pictures, and music back. Luckily I backed up a lot of stuff, but not all of it. But, when all is said and done, I'll have a working laptop and a sexy desktop, so it's cool.

In other news, Loki is still afraid of wind and toddlers, but not of deer. Big-ass deer. He wants to chase them. So we now have a list of two things he is not scared of. Deer and tarantulas.

Brave Sir Robin

2007-10-19T00:33:00.000-04:00

Loki and I take a two mile walk several nights a week. When I first got him this was a bit too much exposure to the scary outside world and he'd get pretty freaky by the end. But as he's settled in, it's gotten better. Still, Loki manages to exhibit fear of people, toddlers that are a block away, runners, walkers, big dogs, little dogs, anything with wheels, phantom cats, air, and feet. Also, it should be noticed that he shows no interest in squirrels, toads, bugs, or birds. But what, you may ask (as well you should) is he not scared of? What was he, nay, fascinated by and supremely interested in? The GIANT FREAKING TARANTULA that walked across our path this evening. Yep. His new best friend. He kept pulling on the leash, trying to get back to it as I bravely skittered past. Yapping tiny poodle? Way too scary. Huge hairy spider? Let's be best friends!

To round out his inappropriate circle of friends, I think I'll introduce him to a skunk as well. And maybe a hyena.

Musings

2007-10-13T09:17:00.000-04:00

I've been working on writing a personal statement, and it's a beeotch. I must be witty, literate, blindingly intelligent, and authentic. In two pages. I'm very good at writing to a specific audience, and this is the opposite, really. I want it to be authentic, but it has to be self-aggrandizing without sounding like it is.

Anyway, I've been doing quite a bit of free writing to try and determine what it is I really want to say. What in the fairly twisty path of my life has lead me to this point? How does being an opera singer, a web monkey, and an ethics student get me to this point? So here's my latest thought.

From the opera world, I realized that people need some form of moral and ethical framework in order to not go all Lord of the Flies on each other. And that's pretty much what it was like, a whole lot of the time. Young singers were encouraged to act like anyone but themselves, people abused each other, victimized those with less power than themselves, colluded, and behaved mighty sexually inappropriately. If you questioned or fought the system, you didn't "belong". It was pretty much a big dysfunctional family where society's basic ethical norms didn't apply, and most people didn't make it beyond about a 14 year old level of maturity. Imagine, a world run by pissed off, middle-aged 14 year olds.

While consciously I bought into this world for a while, as I got older I had an increasing sense of dissonance with it. Eventually I realized I would never be able to reconcile the joy I got from singing and from striving to perfect my art, with the misery and pain I experienced while doing auditions, competitions, or having to tell my teacher (repeatedly) to stop being an autocratic, abusive, bastard. I realized that someone could be a brilliant artist and also be a pedophile, mysogonist, or bully. Artistic talent does not actually excuse those things, and the "artist temperament" is largely and excuse for infantile people to continue to act like spoiled two year olds.

Art is all about pure self-expression and it serves a vital role in our society; it helps us connect to our basic nature and our kinship with each other. But the world of artists (at least the one I was in) is rigged to destroy and devalue the artist's individuality, personality, and moral compass. These things could not co-exist for me. So I left.

The lesson is, in order to be vital, alive, and to contribute to your society, you must be connected to your own sense of ethics, and your subculture's ethical framework must at least partially support this. Some rules are good. An entire lack of rules, not so much.

In the business world, I've seen a lot of crappy ethics as well. But there's a big difference. There are basic rules. Businesses are required to meet those wacky ethical minimums we call "laws", and people may actually have to pay a price if they repeatedly violate them. The system does not always work, and corporate culture, like any sub-culture, is a tricky thing. But policies exist, as do human resources departments, sensitivity training, and ethical codes. People, being people, do not always pay attention, but at least the language, structures, and therefore awareness is there. If you believe in your individual rights, and you believe you have a right to protect them, you do have some recourse if someone behaves inappropriately towards you. Compared to the opera world, Corporate America is a bastion of sanity.

But here is why the larger system works. And this harkens back to my rant on cults and ideologies. Our legal system is messy and sometimes extremely obnoxious. But that's why it works. We enforce laws, but the the court system is there not only to decide if a law was broken, but to evaluate the spirit of the law and decide if it is just and appropriate in each individual case. So laws change, evolve, are struck down, and created in response to the evolution of our society. Society gets to take a fresh look at a law each time a case is brought to court.

Moral development happens in stages, and I believe that our system supports a higher level of moral development for our society than more rules-based systems do. Following rules does not make you ethical, it makes you obedient. To be ethical you must consistently examine your own internal reaction to events, compare them with your knowledge and experience, and decide if your reactions are consistent with your current level of development. Ethics are evolutionary, and like it or not, so is law. Law evolves and changes because it is constantly challenged. I think this is pretty cool.

The norms in the opera world were not challenged; they developed largely unconsciously and created a lot of victims and not so many adults. The norms in the business world are developing as organizations realize that they are responsible for the behaviors of their employees. Society changes, which drives changing legislation. And the courts are where legislation is tested and applied, or not.

I like to test things. I like to question, and push, and throw rocks at rules and ideologies and beliefs and see what happens. My own even more than those of others. I like to inquire and argue. This gets me thinking about several possible career paths that I would not have considered even a year ago.

End of an era

2007-10-11T14:07:00.000-04:00

The next seven weeks mark the end of my time in the MSOLE program. It turns out I'm a total school nerd and am all sad and shit that it's almost over. So much that I'm looking at PhDs and other advanced degrees, in addition to searching for the right job (the test that shall-not-be-named went okay, I'll know my score in a week or so).

All that aside, the last chunk should be fairly intense, as we have a rather large report to write and at least three presentations to do. The project has been really interesting and has been a great learning experience.

I do miss working (and having a refillable bank account) and am looking for contract work or a full-time gig. A good job would certainly make me re-think my whole I Love School perspective. School is awesome, but pay the bills it does not. It also does not pay for shopping sprees at Sephora, Nordstrom, Anthropologie or the 24 hour basket of goodies that is the internet.

Also, a good job could fund the distance PhD program I'd really like to do, but currently can't afford. Or, I could get a job and get one of those life things and actually do other stuff in my spare time. What is that again?

The big icing on the graduation cake is David is taking me to Hawaii in December. I've never been, and am totally looking forward to it.

Mostly it's going to be very strange when MSOLE is over. What will I do with myself on Weds. nights and Sun. afternoons? Who will listen to me yammer about ethics and philosophy and theology and not be bored silly? I think I may go back and try and beef up some of my papers and submit them for publication. Because I'm not a nerd, no not at all.

Dog Update

2007-09-26T15:24:00.000-04:00

Because everyone loves blogs about dogs.

Loki is doing really well. He's still like a very skitsy cat around people who are not-us, but he's happy and silly and very sweet and affectionate. He and David get along frighteningly well, he's not underweight anymore, and we just love him to pieces. His latest nicknames are Brave Sir Robin (bravely ran away away), Prairie Dog Companion (he sits up on his hind legs and looks like a prairie dog), and Tiny Dancer (he dances when we come home). He has long drawn out battles with his toy purple dragon that involve much biting, jumping, and throwing (with occasional growling). He still only barks about once a week.

I'm stressing about what to do with him when we go to Hawaii in December. I have a very generous offer for a sitter for him, but he's such a stress case when he's out of his element, I would really love to find a house-sitter who is female, calm, and good with twitchy small dogs so he doesn't have to leave home. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

Bear with me

2007-09-24T20:44:00.001-04:00

So I'm studying madly for the test-that-shall-not-be-named, and I'm spending an inordinate amount of time trying to understand the difference between necessary and sufficient conditions. In the King's English, this is an "if then" statement. The thing that flummoxes me is that they are not reciprocal. If A, then B is not the same as if B, then A. If it is 95 degrees outside, Michelann is grumpy. But if Michelann is grumpy, it might be 95 degrees outside, but Michelann may be grumpy because Loki ate her shoe (for reals), or some other reason unrelated to the temperature.

If Michelann is not grumpy, then it is not 95 degrees outside, but if it is not 95 degrees outside, Michelann might still be grumpy. This is called the contrapositive. It makes a kind of sense in the real world, but it's really hard to tease out of statements with quadruple negatives and slithery double-speak. Trust me.

Then something occurred to me today. Remember how I mentioned the Platinum rule? Do unto others as they would have done unto them. This is just a recommendation, it's not reciprocal and it doesn't predict an outcome. I like it from an ethical standpoint because you don't assume everyone is just like you. But the Golden Rule is a little different. Observe.

"Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

From this comes the assumption that others would like to be done unto as you would. So:
If I want a pony, then everyone wants a pony. According to the laws governing necessary and sufficient conditions, the contrapositive says that if someone else doesn't want a pony, then I must not want a pony.

MWP(me want pony)---> OWP(others want pony)
~~OWP~~ ---> ~~MWP~~

And this is obviously not the case. Just because someone else doesn't want a pony doesn't mean that I can't want a pony. Hence my preference for the Platinum rule.

And Loki really ate my shoe. But I'm not grumpy.

Lost in Translation: For the Ladies

2007-09-23T19:58:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been observing a lot of miscommunication between men and women I know. I see both genders wasting a lot of energy on trying to convince others that they are right. And I want to ask, do you want to be right, or do you want a positive outcome? Myself, I prefer the outcome. I will sacrifice my rightness for harmony, provided I end up actually getting what I want a reasonable amount of the time.

For example, when I got home from the grocery store today, I opened the garage door so David would know I was coming in, hoping he would then volunteer to help me carry the groceries. David may not have remembered that I was grocery shopping, but this is beside the point. I was tired, grumpy, hungry, and itching to kick someone's ass. David did not come to the door, nor did he offer to help me with the groceries. So I dragged them in myself, and put them away (in a slightly louder and more percussive fashion than strictly necessary).

Now at this point, I'm faced with a choice: grump at David for not having anticipated my needs and helped me with the groceries (rather than finish his pool game), or instead ask him to help me fix dinner, and forgo the recriminations. I opted for number two, asking "Would you help me fix dinner?". In return I got to bypass a big chunk of my cooking prep, and also felt less neglected and pissed off. I could have gone the other route and said something like, "I really wish you'd helped me with the groceries, they were really heavy." The outcome of this action would have been to make David grumpy at me, as he would have felt that jumping down his throat for something that he didn't know I needed (a decent point), I would have felt guilty, and probably still grumpy, and our evening would have been significantly less pleasant. Would I have been right? Who freaking cares? Would the outcome have been positive? No.

For the ladies, there's a little trick I learned from Men are From Mars blah blah... Use the word "would" when you ask your guy for something. It matters not at all whether or not if the something is a favor, something you're entitled to, or common sense (something you thought he should have already known). Not even a little bit.

If you say, "You really should call your mom so I know what to bring to brunch", you will be met with stony silence, whining, or some other form of evasion. If you say, "Would you call your mom and ask her what we should bring to the brunch?" you give him the perception of a choice. This does not mean you feel any less strongly about your preference for the activity. The difference between a choice and not a choice might seem trivial to you, but to men it is NOT TRIVIAL. One implies the opportunity for him to do something you will appreciate and recognize him for (positive reinforcement is a possible outcome), the other implies that if he does not perform your request, he will be less than adequate/manly/helpful/appreciated - he will be not even meeting the minimal standards, let alone getting approval. This makes for an unhappy guy, and an unhappy guy is less concerned with having a happy girl.

Here is a handy reference manual:

You say: Please take the trash out now, or we're going to miss the pickup.
He hears: You are a lazy ass (disrespectful).
His reaction: Bite me.

You say: I need you to take the trash out, now.
He hears: I command you in the name of your mother to take out the trash (emasculating).
His reaction: Bite me.

You say: Honey, could you please take the trash out for me?
He hears: I'm not sure if you're capable of taking out the trash, but I wish you would (belittling).
His reaction: Bite me.

You say: Would you take the trash out tonight?
He hears: I have the option of taking the trash out and getting approval, or not taking it out and not getting the approval (respectful).
His reaction: He takes out the trash.
You: Give him approval.

You might argue that he should know to take out the trash, that he previously promised to, that you don't trust him to do it if you give him a choice, or that there is no reason for you to give him a choice as it is his responsibility. I have two words for you. Positive. Outcome. And that positive outcome not only includes a happier you and a happier guy, it makes other conflicts easier to deal with because you haven't worn each other down over stupid shit. Ultimately, we all want to be treated with respect. It's just that we sometimes have slightly different versions of what that is, and we mistake our own particular preference for that of others. At school we've talked about the Platinum Rule, which is "do unto others as they would have done unto them." I totally concur.

How I keep myself amused:

2007-09-13T12:48:00.000-04:00

Well, there's blogs:

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/09/08/dude-3/
(I just want to point out that icanhascheezburger is generally way too cutesy-poo for me, and this comes from a cute overload addict, but this one was way too funny)

http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2007/09/how-to-make-a-k.html (I'm so totally doing this to Loki)

Best of Craigslist. O. M. G. People write these random treatises to the world at large or anonymous people. There is some great stuff.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/398503026.html
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/398608788.html

Other than that, it's the same old. Studying, job hunting, studying. Lame post, I know. More soon.

Rocks and Viruses

2007-08-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about where the line is between a religion and a cult, or a philosophy and an ideology. I think it is obvious that the main differentiator is the individual - do you need your beliefs to be simple and dogmatic, or can you engage in critical discourse? Does your relationship to the world change, or is it fixed?

But what about the nature of the belief system itself? How does it deal with challenges? Both political parties in the US have changed tremendously over the past 100 years. Sometimes one or the other seemed more dogmatic and purist, but sooner or later that purism was fractured by reality and the changing demands of society. So the two party system has continued, in spite of massive changes in the values and demographics of American society. At the same time, more extreme and ideological political systems, such as Communism, have largely failed. Pure, unadulterated capitalism has also failed. I guess I should say how I define failure - I believe a system has failed when basic ethical norms are regularly violated and are not adequately punished or prohibited by the system.

Democracy (theoretically) allows for self-correction, adaptation, change, and most importantly, ongoing challenges by members of the system. Any system that prohibits these things and threatens to harm or dissociate itself with those who challenge it is what I would consider a simplistic, dogmatic system. That's when it enters the realm of cult or ideology for me. I think that the fact that the Bush administration is so far out of favor now is a testament to our system's resistance to reverting to an ideology. The tension between the parties MUST continue to exist in order for our country to continue to mature.

I think an interesting analogy (and I ripped this off from Neal Stephenson) is the idea of viruses. An organism that is going to survive for the long term is one that can sustain multiple attacks from external sources - environmental and viral. It adapts, builds antibodies, evolves. If you apply this to a social system, cults don't have much in the way of antibodies. They isolate themselves from critics, define themselves as "special" or "chosen" in some way, and those individuals involved must either turn all their energies towards accepting and supporting the beliefs of the group, or risk expulsion. I think one of the main features most conspicuously lacking in cult-like organizations is humility. From the Nazis to the Branch Davidians to Scientologists, you're not likely to see members of these groups involved in any kind of public or academic discourse on the nature of their beliefs, and I suspect this is because these systems have no immune system. Belief in a superior race or creed does not lend itself well to humble self-examination, which doesn't leave much room for testing and debate.

Compare this to Christianity or Buddhism, and you see organizations that have evolved, broken apart, re-formed, adapted, changed, and are very much a part of the intellectual and spiritual development of the human race. I am not claiming that there are no Christian or Buddhist factions or individuals that are dogmatic and ideological, but the systems themselves have proven over 2000+ years that they can withstand change and growth.

So my litmus test for an organization of any kind is, can you throw rocks at it? Can you test and question the beliefs, and do the members of the group regularly examine their own ethics and behavior based on those beliefs? If rock-throwing is taboo, then it's probably not a system I really want any part of. But if rock-throwing is encouraged, if the system does not fear viruses but welcomes adaptation and change, then it just might be worth checking out.

Kids These Days TM

2007-08-13T23:29:00.000-04:00

Today's rant is on a phenomenon I like to refer to as Kids These Days, or KTD^TM . KTD^TM refers to the fact that most modern philosophers, thinkers, gurus, shaman, rabbis, priests, lamas, high school principals, and prophets have a tendency to state that things are worse than they've ever been, that people are more unethical, have worse values, talk to each other less, eat worse food, fornicate more, kick more puppies, and generally suck more than ever before in history. And the fun thing is at every point in history the KTD^TM phenomenon has been along for the ride.

I don't buy it. The world has changed technologically, yes. But I don't think people evolve or devolve that quickly. It takes tens of thousands of years for species to develop, and I think human history is pretty damn cyclical. So you think civilization is collapsing because there's a huge gap between the rich and poor (and this has never happened before)? French Revolution. Reign. Of. Terror. Look it up. My favorite sign of the impending apocolypse is the spawning of tons of mean-spirited reality shows about lame, stupid people. But the ancient Romans really came up with the whole bread and circuses, opiate of the masses thing.

Is technology and the infernal interweb ruining our ability to relate to each other and destroying the fabric of society? Consider what Mark Twain had to say about telecommunications in the year 1890:

"It is my heart-warm and world-embracing Christmas hope and aspiration that all of us, the high, the low, the rich, the poor, the admired, the despised, the loved, the hated, the civilized, the savage (every man and brother of us all throughout the whole earth), may eventually be gathered together in a heaven of everlasting rest and peace and bliss, except the inventor of the telephone."

Testify, M.T.

If gluttony (which we call the obesity epidemic), lust (promiscuity and the ensuing STDs), avarice (corporate greed), wrath (violent crime), pride (Paris Hilton), envy (coveting your neighbor's BMW), and sloth (damned video games) are particular problems of the twenty-first (or twentieth, or nineteenth) century, why Dante know so much about them? The Buddhist-based book I talked about recently, Healing through the Dark Emotions started to piss me off for the same reason. If people are really especially escapist and immoral and without compassion in the modern era, why did the Buddha need to spend all that time under the bodhi tree figuring out how to let go of attachment and be compassionate and teach others what he discovered?

Could it be that the human condition has always been pretty much the same? That we suffer and feel joy, we cause pain and we feel compassion, and that perhaps we could learn from our history instead of negating it by claiming that everything is new and unique?

I tell you, Kids These Days ^TM just don't know their history.

This morning's little misadventure

2007-08-07T14:56:00.000-04:00

I was walking Loki this morning on a 2 mile loop I do, most of which is in the McMansion area which borders on the Greenbelt (a wildlife nature preserve area that loops around Austin). We were a bit more than halfway done, when I leaned back to stretch my lower back a bit, and Loki pulled the leash out of my hand. It's one of those retractable leashes, so the handle is heavy, and the sound startled him and he ran a bit. I called him back, and as he ran towards me, he realized he was being chased by a scary hissing thing (the leash handle) and TOOK OFF. He was back up at the other end of a very long street and out of sight in about thirty seconds, me screaming his name (the old one) the whole time.

I walked/ran back up the street, calling, searching, stopping people, nothing. I had to get all the way home which took a while, I called his foster mom who came out to help me search, and David who came home from work. We all agreed that he'd most likely headed into the greenbelt to hide, and were afraid he'd gotten tangled in something. I was totally freaked out, afraid he was gone for good, that he was hurt, that he'd starve...

This area is HUGE. The houses are huge, the yards are huge, and most of them back up on this big greenbelt area. There are TONS of places a very small quiet dog could hide (he's barely made a peep since we got him). We combed the streets and the greenbelt for three hours, calling and putting up posters the whole time (I'd also like to point out that it's brutally hot and humid).

By 1pm my feet were blistering and I was dehydrated, so I headed home to change shoes and drink some water before heading out again (I'd already been by the house several times in my search in case he found his way back), and guess who was on my porch? He's only been with us for two days, had never been walked in that area, and he found his way home. He promptly came up to me, laid down on his belly, and peed himself.

Needless to say, we are very happy he is home. I don't think he took city streets, judging by the amount of mud on the leash handle, but however he got here I'm glad he's back. I think he's going to keep us.

In no way related to business, leadership, or ethics

2007-08-05T19:52:00.000-04:00

Dog!

This is Loki (nee Berkley). He's a rescue dog that I'm "testing" for the next couple days. I actually stalked him online for a few weeks about a month ago, when I was still too heartbroken to adopt, but was looking at the rescue sites. By the time I got the nerve to ask about him, he was gone. But lo and behold, he re-appeared this week, and I put an application on him.

It's been a strange thing. I'm still mourning Simon, a lot. Having a new pup around reminds me of how close we were. But I think I will sad be for a long time, new dog or no. There's no replacement for him, and it will take a long time to build a bond with a dog like I had with Simon after 10 years. He was one of a kind.

But this little dude is a total character, in a very different way. He's very timid, was probably not socialized much at all. He's pretty jumpy, but loves affection and is great on a leash. After just the afternoon he's chilled out quite a bit. David and I are enjoying him so far. He has mastered the fine art of pathetic cuteness, thus earning the nickname, His Royal Patheticness. So far he's also Bat Ears, and The Half-Blood Prince.

At first I thought about calling him Yogi, because when I was doing yoga I got into bridge pose, and he inserted himself under my lower back, like a yoga prop.

Noise wise, he hasn't made a peep so far. I'll be posting regular updates for all the crazy dog people (you know who you are).

I'm not settled on the name yet, so if you have suggestions feel free to let me know.

Heroic Harry

2007-07-25T00:19:00.000-04:00

David and I read the last Harry Potter book on Saturday. I'm a HUGE Harry Potter fan. I've always loved fantasy and sci fi, and the HP books are up there for me with Lord of the Rings, the Oz books, and more recently the His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman.

There's been lots of yammering lately about the quality of Rowling's prose, but I'm going to sit that one out. I really enjoy the books, and I love the cleverness and imagination in them. But I read something really silly today in the Wall Street Journal.

The reviewer points out that the final book solidifies Rowling's intentions to create a Christian allegory, much in the spirit of Tolkien and Lewis. Okay. Rewind. Tolkien - not a Christian allegory. Big, epic hero story, with roots in a whole bunch of different traditions. The dude created an entire genesis and mythology and multiple languages. He created actual languages. His work transcends one particular religion. Lewis, on the other hand, big Christian allegory. And, might I add, fairly one dimensional. I find his stories to be simplistic (and sometimes quite bigoted - see the later books in the Narnia series) morality plays. For a far more sophisticated Christian allegory, check out the Ender stories by Orson Scott Card. Again, it's the hero story, but from a Christian perspective.

So let's take a quick look at the themes underlying HP (avoid this if you haven't read the last book yet and don't want spoilers). Harry is raised in physical and spiritual poverty, discovers secrets of his birth, goes on a long, difficult journey where he faces many tasks, is guided by a wise man who subsequently dies, faces loss, doubt and disillusionment, sacrifices himself, visits the underworld/afterlife, returns, and defeats the current embodiment of evil. This is not a uniquely Christian allegory. This is the hero's story, which has been told since the dawn of man, and exists in every culture in some form, and in every era. Parsifal, Jesus, the Buddha, Luke Skywalker, Dorothy... this is the monomyth. News flash - the redemptive power of love and forgiveness is a universal concept that is not tethered to one religion, race, or culture. Sheesh.

/end rant

I really enjoyed the last book, and the series as a whole. I'm looking forward to seeing what Rowling dreams up next. In the mean time, let me know if you've read any good books lately!

Ruminations on systems

2007-07-21T00:44:00.000-04:00

One of the terms that's been thrown around quite a bit in the MSOLE program is "systems theory." It took a while to get my brain around this concept, but now that I have, I can see why my professors bring it up all the time.

Systems theory basically states that most things exist as part of a system, and are often a system themselves. So a human body is a system, made up of organs and other stuff. Organs are systems made up of cells, which are systems made of molecules, and so on. A thing is a system if it's components are varied and work together in some way to create the thing. This is a crappy explanation, but think of it this way; a plant is a system - lots of different types of things make it up - cellulose, chloroplasts, water. If you hack off the roots, it may die, and no longer be a living plant. A rock is not a system. It may have several components at the molecular level, but they're not interrelated. If you hack a piece off of it, it's still a rock.

Systems that are self-correcting - those that need to maintain some kind of equilibrium to survive are called negative-loop systems. Systems that grow or shrink are called positive-loop systems. So our bodies are negative-loop systems; when we get to hot, we sweat to cool down, and when we get too cold we shiver to warm up. The survival of the system depends on equilibrium. But a cancer is a positive-loop system; if allowed to grow unhindered, it can disrupt the body's negative-loop system.

Take this to a sociological level, and you have systems like families, cultures, countries, and so forth. Systems theory, as it applies to business and leadership, is really useful for taking a wider view of things like corporate change efforts, government regulation, and culture.

My current class is on business ethics. There's lots of interesting debate on the dichotomy of capitalism, the publicly-held business model, and ethics. If publicly held corporations exist in order to provide value to shareholders, and everything else serves that goal, there's a lot of gray area when it comes to what is acceptable and what is not. I'm doing some research right now on the difference between personal and professional ethics, and it seems like personal ethics are often more Kantian (absolute) in nature, where traditionally business ethics are more utilitarian. So the big question becomes, who gets the utility? If it's the stockholders only, then other people (employees, community members, etc) pretty much get the shaft. This seems like a very linear way of looking at ethics and responsibility. Put your stakeholders in order of importance, and make decisions accordingly.

Proponents of newer models of global business ethics obviously think otherwise. There are lots of models out there for how to convince a corporation to give equal weight to other people who are affected by these decisions, like consumers (who may not want to pay for shoddy products), community members (who might not be happy about excess toxic waste), or employees (who may not feel so good about layoffs or restructuring). But most of the stuff I've read for this particular class so far goes at it from a linear standpoint, and I don't think it's a linear problem. I think it's a systems problem. Screw with your customers to drive up profits at the end of the quarter, and you may be facing lawsuits the next quarter. This is because you're messing with the system, which consists of everyone affected by your business. Cut employees to reduce costs, and you end up with low morale, high attrition, and reduced efficiency. It might not bite you this quarter, but it will within a year or so. Again, look at the system as a whole. These decisions may not negatively impact profit to shareholders first, but it will effect them within one or two business cycles.

Ultimately, I think systems thinking forces us to take a longer term look at the consequences of our actions. If Krispy Kreme had thought about the potential longer-term problems that might ensue from cooking their books by over shipping to vendors right before the end of the quarter (and then picking up the excess donuts after), it seems like they might have changed their practices a bit. A 75% drop in stock price since 2003 might not seem like an acceptable loss, in hindsight.

I think infusing more systems theory into the field of corporate ethics could be really useful. It's still pretty utilitarian - the greatest good to the greatest number - but because you have to see the issue from a more birds-eye standpoint to understand the systemic effect of decisions, those decisions are less likely to be harmful in the long run.

On a lighter note

2007-07-05T09:06:00.000-04:00

I have perfected the art of light stuffed French toast, and I now share it with the world. (or the three people who read my blog) I give you:

Blueberry Stuffed French Toast

8 slices brioche or challa type bread (if you can get the Apricot White Chocolate bread from Central Market, it's amazing)
3/4 C egg beaters
1/2 C 2% milk
2 t maple syrup
dash cinnamon
4 oz. Neufchatel
1/4 C part skim ricotta
1 bottle DanActive vanilla
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp honey
1 C fresh blueberries
cooking spray
Turbinado sugar

Preheat oven to 350. Generously coat 8/8 glass pan with cooking spray. Combine ingredients 2-5 in a shallow dish, whisk to combine. Combine ingredients 6-10 in a blender, pulse until smooth.

Toast bread to remove extra moisture, allow to cool, and then soak in egg mixture until soft and saturated. Layer the first 4 slices on the bottom of the pan. Layer blueberries on top, and then pour the cream cheese mixture over it evenly. Top with the remaining 4 slices of egg-soaked bread. Sprinkle top with Turbinado sugar. Bake approx. 40 minutes, or until top is browned and the cream mixture has turned purple and set up a bit.

Simon

2007-06-28T12:22:00.001-04:00

As I mentioned a couple posts ago, I lost my beloved little dog Simon a week ago last Saturday. He was eleven and a half years old, as far as I know, and he was a corgi-american esquimo mix, as far as I know. I adopted him when he was about a year and a half in April of 1997, so we spent a little more than ten years together. He was my constant companion, through road trips to California, to life-changing cross-country moves, unemployment, over-employment, bad boyfriends, good boyfriends, Simon was always with me.

He was a funny little dog, my brother still refers to him as the gerbil. He was one of those dogs whose behaviors are more "foxy" or even cat-like. He was affectionate and sweet, but very self-contained. If was in trouble he wouldn't slink or show submission, he'd just kind of eyeball me. As soon as I broke eye contact, he'd be right back to jumping around in circles. I though I'd mastered the art of repressing, but Simon had it all over me. Simon was a really good dog though, so there wasn't much cause for yelling. Other than occasional trashcan dumping or kleenex chewing, he was amazingly low maintenance. But he was really good company.

I always had a clear impression that Simon thought he was much larger, and much more butch and masculine dog than the reality (a precious little fluffy girl dog). He loved to romp with big dogs, and despised being picked up. He enjoyed a good cat-barking-at, although he did get his ass seriously kicked by one once. After that, he kept his distance for the barking. Once, we were coming up the stairs in my apartment building, and there was a cat lurking on the other side of the rail. Simon darted around to chase it, but when it didn't retreat, he came back around to the other side of the rail and barked at it through the bars. That was my Simon.

We spent our first summer together at my parents house while my boyfriend at the time was away on an internship. My parents had just gotten Amber, a sumo-big golden retriever puppy. While she lumbered around, Simon would dart in and out, baring his teeth and sneezing ferociously. Yes, sneezing. It was one of those things. Amber would generally respond by drooling all over him, leading to Shaun's next nickname for him, "Slime-on".

I have hundreds of stories, all of which are utterly entertaining and riveting to me, and maybe a select few other insane dog people. But here's the gist. Simon was a light in my life when everything else was dark, or worse, when it was utterly cold and gray. And he was there with me sharing my joy when I was happy and content. He never ran out of love, or silliness, or affection. I wish I had given him a fraction of what he gave me, and I would do anything to have back all the moments when I took him for granted.

I think one of the great tragedies of death is the surplus of love we're left with. When you really love someone, it doesn't matter that they're not there anymore to receive it. So I'm left with all this unspent love for my little companion, and it just aches. Beyond the shock of losing him so quickly, beyond the daily pain of having to re-learn how sit at my computer without him pressed against my leg, or lie in shavasana after yoga without him lying next to me licking my arm, or putting on my tennis shoes without him going apeshit because it means there's a remote possibility that he's getting a walk, there's just this irrational, impossible desire to have him back long enough to give him some of the vast amounts of love that will forever remain unspent.

Be at peace, petite chien. You are loved.

Machiavelli and Ethics

2007-06-27T17:23:00.000-04:00

When someone calls an action "Machiavellian" it tends to imply that person acting is doing so entirely out of a desire to acquire and retain power, without any regard to ethics. The thing I've always found so interesting about most unethical behavior - political, financial, social - is that in the best of situations, it's generally a wash. That peon you're screwing over to win favor with your boss - she might be your boss in five years. Not too bright, Machiavelli. That social program you're shutting down? It might be saving your budget this year, but the problems it causes are going to cost taxpayers much more than what you're saving. That river you're polluting to save yourself the cost of upgrading your plant? You're going to have to pay the piper eventually, whether it's when legislation catches up and you have to pay to clean it up, or you get your ass sued off for giving a bunch of people leukemia. Somehow, I don't think that Machiavelli was such a short-term thinker. A fast power grab today is not a good idea if it permanently tarnishes your reputation in the future. I think you can be a heartless bastard and still understand this fact.

I think the orientation towards long-term thinking is the rational side of ethics. We've so divorced ourselves from the "softer" side of our humanity in regards to work, that it's sometimes difficult to argue for ethical, respectful behavior. There seems to be a gulf between what is "professional" and what is "ethical", and I've spent a lot of time over the last two years contemplating why this may be. I have some theories, but they're not ready for prime time.

What I do know is that I can make a damn fine argument for behaving ethically to the most self-interested person on the planet. The thing is, I'm a fairly big fan of the free-market economy, in theory. But that economy is currently so short-term focused, that ethical atrocities seem to be taking place unchecked. If we could all pull our heads out of our collective asses and look down the line a few years, we might come to understand that instant karma may not get you instantly, but it is going to get you eventually. So the next time you humiliate an employee just because you can, or you vote against a needed social program because you don't want to pay $200 more in taxes per year, think about the potential long-term cost of those actions. Machiavelli would be proud.

Brief Update

2007-06-25T00:17:00.000-04:00

The last couple of weeks have been pretty intense, so most of my philosophizing has been going on off line. In short, my dog Simon passed away last weekend, and I quit my job this week. Both rather life-changing events. One necessitates much weeping, the other much scouring of on and off line publications for gainful employment.

I don't have the heart or strength yet to write a fitting tribute to my little dog. He was an awesome dog, I miss him all the time, and I'll leave it at that for now. Peace.

s'more thoughts

2007-06-15T14:14:00.000-04:00

I've been reading a book called Healing Through the Dark Emotions, by Miriam Greenspan. It's pretty cool, because it validates a lot of my own synthesis of the things I've learned from experience and study. Humans, especially modern American humans, have a tendency to run away from emotional pain. Back in the day, when our culture was less secular, we rationalized pain by saying that God was punishing us for our sins. Nowadays, we pathologize it and claim that not only are we suffering because we've done something wrong (not eaten right, not exercised enough, not prayed to the right God), but that suffering itself is dangerous to our health and should be eradicated. Newsflash, people, suffering is unavoidable. Also, life is terminal. Not happy facts, but facts nonetheless.

Greenspan (and the Buddah) believe that accepting suffering is the path to greater awareness, and a more fulfilling, awake, meaningful life. Greenspan thinks we're medicating ourselves into numbness and through avoiding our own pain, we blind ourselves to that of others resulting in things like emotional and physical violence.

I tend to concur. When I'm feeling scared or upset, I want to fix or eradicate it somehow. I often blame myself for suffering and try to find some way I caused it. This means that I've absorbed the idea that I can somehow prevent myself from suffering (that there was something I should have done differently), and I hurt because I've made a mistake. This seems pretty pointless, as a good portion of the time we don't cause our own suffering. Lots and lots of things that cause us to suffer that are unavoidable. I think that the idea of personal responsibility and personal power is great for helping you focus on your goals, but it's fairly shit for dealing with suffering. Suffering is a fact, and it doesn't matter if you brought it on yourself, your neighbor brought it on you, or it was an earthquake. All suffering deserves compassion, and I think that at least some of the people who espouse personal responsibility in this way (Stephen Covey, I'm talking to you) do so to not only avoid their own pain, but to inure themselves from the pain of others.

It's not that we shouldn't reflect and learn from our mistakes. I just think that in the moment that we experience emotional pain who or what is to blame is not so relevant, and the search for the source is a way we avoid the experience. After the storm has passed, reflection is a good idea and helps give meaning to our suffering and allows us to feel compassion for others. But in that moment, I think the best thing to do is actually check out that storm - is it rainy with sorrow, or full of jarring, bright, scary lightening? Not all pain feels the same, I feel fear in my stomach sometimes, and grief more in my back. Greenspan talks about the value of checking in with the body when we feel emotional pain and letting ourselves experience it rather than fight it. It's tricky, but when I have managed to do so, I've generally come out the other end a little wiser and much calmer.

While this may seem a bit of a jump, I think the topic actually relates closely to leadership and ethics. Leaders have responsibility to those who follow them, whether it's a transactional relationship (like a job), or a transformational relationship (like a priest or teacher). If a leader has no relationship to their own suffering, then the organization they lead can become a reflection of that inner disconnect.

In modern companies, fear is often viewed as an undiscussable and taboo emotion. To show fear is to admit weakness, and in our patriarchal organizations weakness is not tolerated. So the leader who not only hides their fear from others, but also from themselves, has no little incentive to experience compassion for the followers who feel fear, trepidation, or insecurity when facing a challenge. A culture then emerges where fear is banished from what is espoused, creating a powerful undertow that erodes at the morale, relatedness, and development of employees, and damages the organization as a whole. I believe that in this way unsurfaced and undiscussable emotions create entropy that organizations have tremendous difficulty diagnosing, let alone overcoming.

Thougths on personal ethical responsibility

2007-06-07T14:32:00.000-04:00

"As soon as we lose the moral basis, we cease to be religious. There is no such thing as religion over-riding morality. Man, for instance, cannot be untruthful, cruel or incontinent and claim to have God on his side." - Gandhi

This encapsulates for me the issues I've struggled with in Buddhism. Gandhi, a Hindu, points out that the teachings of one religious leader or another never, ever, trump morality. If you behave in a way that is immoral (or unethical) you are acting against the will of your spiritual practice - REGARDLESS of what your pastor, priest, rabbi, or guru says.

I had a personal falling out with Shambala after I read some of the details of the founder's behavior. Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche did some seriously unethical things in his life. He was promiscuous with his followers, he was known for being verbally abusive, was a raging drunk, and he even encouraged and condoned the promiscuity of his HIV-positive successor, resulting in several people becoming infected. Rinpoche did some amazing things in his life, too, and a lot of his teachings are really wonderful. Now, if you follow Buddhist teaching, everyone is allowed to be a fuck-up. Fucking up is part of what it means to be human. But in my estimation, he took this a step further, and found a way to conveniently sanctify his screw ups. He claimed that a guru could behave in an irrational, abusive, and destructive manner towards his student, if he felt that the student needed that experience to progress in his or her personal growth. He called this "crazy wisdom." Uh-huh.

Let's review Gandhi's quote again, shall we?

"As soon as we lose the moral basis, we cease to be religious. There is no such thing as religion over-riding morality. Man, for instance, cannot be untruthful, cruel or incontinent and claim to have God on his side."

So do non-theistic Buddhists have a loophole because they have no God to answer to? As a non-theist, I'm going to answer with a resounding "no." If anything, we non-theists should understand with perfect clarity how important it is to strive to be ethical and compassionate in our lives, since we don't have a strong belief in a post-mortality cosmic spanking or reward. What you do on earth matters, because as far as we know, it's all we have. If you're unkind, cruel, or abusive towards another person, no matter how "enlightened" you are, I don't believe that it's justifiable. I'm not saying that you can be a teacher and never hurt someone's feelings. We're not talking about being truthful, we're talking about being deliberately hurtful.

Since the Buddah said that the first noble truth of life is suffering, I believe that life presents us enough opportunities to suffer and then grow, without some crazy-ass guru screwing with us. Call me crazy. Just don't call me crazy-wise.

There are countless examples throughout human history of a movement, religion, or organization deciding at some point that it supersedes the boundaries of morality. We all know, in retrospect anyway, that the Spanish Inquisition, the concentration camps, and 80's hairstyles were all fundamentally wrong (okay maybe not the last one, but you know what I mean).

I had a point here. What was it? Oh, right. No matter what you believe, you don't get a golden ticket that says you can turn your ethical decision making process over to someone else. And even if you think you do, you don't. Whether you have to answer to a God at the end of your life, or just your own conscience, your actions are your own.

Wherin the old and the new intersect

2007-05-29T13:31:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my previous life as an opera singer, and trying to figure out how all that history integrates with the path I'm on now. For a while I've been feeling as if the "new" career is totally independent of the old one, and nothing that I learned in the music world applies to what I do now.

But really, that's not true. I've been part of many different types of organizations. Musical theater productions, operas, conservatory, orchestras, agencies, start-ups, corporations, and now grad school. Each shared some characteristics with some of the others. What I find especially interesting about reflecting on some of those less corporate environments is this: in some ways, they were the most functional and effective teams I've ever worked on. Now don't get me wrong. Performers, directors, conductors, the whole lot of them are notoriously narcissistic nutbags. There are very few exceptions. Impulse control, self-reflection, and other emotionally intelligent traits are not much in evidence. Verbal abuse, sexual harassment, and other misbehavior abounds. But somehow, maybe due to the nature of the endeavor, the show goes on. And it usually goes on alarmingly well. Everyone remembers their lines, makes their entrances, gets the lighting cues right, plays the right notes. When someone flubs, everyone helps to get the ball rolling again. The most assinine, self-centered conductor will help a singer out of a jam - mouthing the words or catching up if they rush. Sopranos who are snitty, petty competitors off the stage work beautifully together during a duet.

So what is the source of all this heroism? How do people who are generally less mature and self-realized somehow transcend the ethical and interpersonal quagmire that is corporate existence? Well, they don't, exactly. Misconduct is pretty common, but the funny thing is it rarely jeopardizes the final product. I think that something about the nature of the organization pre-disposes it to function properly and well, despite all the machinations of the individuals.

Conversely, lots of corporations are filled with people with good intentions, much clearer ethical rules, and subject to far more public and legal scrutiny. And yet, huge ethical lapses are becoming more and more obvious. If you've heard me talk about this before, you know the saw. The structure of the publicly held corporation - the fact that shareholders are not ethically or legally responsible for the actions of the employees - seems to predispose it to violating established ethical and legal norms.

I think this provides a pretty good argument for the foundation of our thesis. The organization has it's own personality, tendencies, and pre-dispositions that are a complicated blend of the collective culture, the values and goals of the founders and execs, and the market pressures. So much of the literature we've read for this program talks about personal responsibility. "Be the change you want to see in the world." Covey, Titchy, many of the others say that if you don't change it yourself, quit your bitching. But there are much stronger forces at play, and while I'm all in favor of setting a good example, there's another saying I tend to believe more: "Culture eats change for breakfast." And I'd like to add to this to the mix: the personality of the organization far supersedes the personalities of the individuals. And the legalistic or even conventional structure of the organization has a huge effect on that personality. Perhaps even an insurmountable effect.

Another thing that occurs to me is that concept of heroism. To be heroic (or to fit the hero archetype) one has to have something at stake - risk of loss, and some kind of transformational process. So a lot of the literature on teams and heroism often have a foundation or at the least a lot of case studies on the military. But in the military, there's a very immediate danger of death or dismemberment. So people have a lot to lose if they don't work together effectively, and the consequences of poor leadership and poor teamwork are dire.

While performing is not life-threatening, it can feel that way. Anyone who's ever had stage fright can attest that your body does not know the difference between that fear and a tiger running towards you. Your brain may say, "no reason to be afraid, just singing for some industry big shots." but your body says, "Tiger!" So again, the stakes are high, immediate, and the consequences of screwing up are psychological death and dismemberment of not only yourself, but your peers (and probably your reputation and career).

In the corporate world, obviously some survival instinct also comes into play, but not with the immediacy of a more time-restricted scenario like a battle or a performance. Maybe that's why dysfunction can creep in unnoticed, fester and grow, and then surprise the shit out of everyone when suddenly they realize that, oh, growth is at -30% and the CEO has been diverting money into his Swiss bank account. I also have a really hard time buying the CEO as Hero myth. No babies are being rescued from burning buildings, and the idea of a CEO making a major sacrifice for someone else (what with those compensation packages) is pretty laughable. So for me, that idea just does not resonate. Maybe we need to look at organizations through a different lens, and stop trying to find our heroes in those with positional power. Maybe the organization will be heroic when it re-defines itself into something more ethical, responsible, and connected to all the people that comprise it.

Just a thought.

The Further Adventures of Literal Man vs. Symbolic Girl

2007-05-17T19:40:00.000-04:00

So I asked David, as per usual, if he would call me tonight when he got to his hotel (he's fishing with his dad and brothers), to which he replied, as per usual, "I'll think about it." Or it might have been, "I'll try," which is also interchangeable with "I'll do my best." That's about when my head began spinning around and I started speaking in tongues. Let's look at a translation, shall we?
---------------------
My perspective:
Symbolic Girl says: "I would really like it if you would call me tonight."
Translation: "Call me or I'll start to worry you ran off with the stripper you met at a roadside diner right before your car flipped over and you woke up with amnesia in a hospital in Bermuda."

Literal Man says: "I'll think about it."
Symbolic Girl hears: "I will call if I feel like it, but I really don't want to and you can't push me around, nyhaaa."

His perspective:
Symbolic Girl says: "I would really like it if you would call me tonight."
Translation: "I would really like it if you would call me tonight."

Literal Man says: "I'll think about it."
Translation: "I will call barring unforeseen events that might prohibit me from calling, but I won't say "yes, I'll call you" because that would mean that if said unforeseen events were to occur I would have to bend space and time in order to call and that might not be possible. Hence; maybe."
---------------------

So you see the dilemma: Literal Man hears Symbolic Girl's question literally and gives her an answer that is scientifically and statistically accurate. But Symbolic Girl hears this answer and tries to interpret what it says about Literal Man's feelings towards said request (and herself), taking into account his word choice, tone of voice, body language, time of day, and wardrobe.

Recommendations:
Symbolic Girl: Ask all questions in the form of yes/no or multiple choice. Be specific. Leave as little room for (your own) interpretation as possible.
Literal Man: Keep in mind that when Symbolic Girl asks you amost any question, be it "Would you call me tonight?" or "How does this shirt look?" or "What time is it?" or "Do you enjoy knitting?" she is usually actually asking "Am I important to you?" Answer accordingly.

General update and further thoughts

2007-05-05T19:07:00.000-04:00

General update:
I have a total of 28 weeks of class left before I (theoretically) graduate. How I do thesis research and coursework at the same time is a bit of a puzzle. I'm unrealistically proud of my 4.0 average, but prioritization may come into play during my last two classes and necessitate a B. Which is really counter to my uber-perfectionist-secretly-afraid-I'm-really-a-slacker personality. Hopefully I can pull it all off and also not drive David completely insane. Come December, I will have three, count them, three degrees to my name. Woo! Anyone know where I can get a business ethics related PhD? I keed, I keed. I think.

Further thoughts on the nature of leadership, ethics, and organizational culture:
Most organizations really don't know what they're doing. The things that the founders/leaders are comfortable with or uncomfortable with become conventions, and then they become unsurfaced cultural artifacts - rules of conduct that we generally pick up intuitively and then promptly forget. The problem is most people don't give a lot of thought to the fact that when they form an organization they're creating a mini-society in their own image. And all of our personalities are limited and flawed. So unless our founders and leaders are introspective enough to recognize this fact, some really strange, counterintuitive, and bizarre behaviors can become codified.

I recently finished what I hope proves to be my FINAL paper on my Former Place of Employment, and the most interesting thing I learned was how a really self-referential, self-reinforcing culture can blind people to physical, obvious truths. It's not just about how the culture effects the way you see things, it's about whether or not the cultural constraints allow you to see it at all. And in the case of my former place of work, the espoused (projected) internal culture was so strong, and so embedded, that as long as you can speak the jargon, wear the tee-shirt, and shake the super secret handshake, you can get away with pretty much anything. As you might imagine, this leaves room for some teensy little ethical problems. It means that crafty and unscrupulous people figure out how to work the system, and work it they do. Meanwhile the execs continue to comment on the openness and beauty that is their organization, even when evidence to the contrary has been formally presented to them by people they pay to do just that.

What is it in our makeup that allows us to put our faith in human systems that are by their nature flawed? Seriously. We're human, we're flawed. But we're always holding out for that nirvana-like place where we no longer have to think critically, question, or suspend judgment either way. I'm highly inquisitive by nature, but I do it, too. What gives?

Anyway, those are my Deep Thoughts of the Day. Enjoy.

For Posterity

2007-04-13T16:37:00.000-04:00

I decided it was time to post links to some of my favorite blog entries (not mine). I post links to websites I like occasionally, but it seems like all the brilliance of the daily blogs gets lost after a while. Here are a few of my very favorites:

Scott Adams - The Things I Say
The Dilbert guy.

Go Fug Yourself - Evan Rachel Fug
The first entry of GFY that I ever read, and possibly the funniest. David thought I was having a seizure.

Blue Meany - This entry... well, it's kind of a big deal
Very funny lady who is currently serving in Iraq.

Eat My Blog - Zen and the Art of the Sober Drunk
Guide To Street-Preaching: Ministering to the Drunkard
Very funny guy I know, local stand-up

Okay, that was a great idea, but do you know how long it takes to dig through blogs you've been reading for two years to find your favorite posts? Note to self: bookmark them.

bonus blogging

2007-03-20T22:56:00.000-04:00

I've been re-watching Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth via Netflix. It's like church for me. If church was like this, I'd go every week. Campbell's ability to see the forms that project the shadows on the wall, his talent for finding the same metaphor in every culture and every era is amazing. And what has been interesting about watching this the second time around is how many of his themes and metaphors fit naturally into the issues that concern me the most in organizations and modern corporate life.

This set of interviews was done in the late 80s, and talks a lot about how Campbell was a big influence on George Lucas and the Star Wars (original) trilogy. He discusses how in western culture, dragons are metaphor for intellect without body connection - a state which results in unchecked greed and insatiable hunger. He also thinks that Darth Vader, a man who has almost completely disconnected from his body and the natural world in order to maintain power, is a metaphor for oppressive systems that dehumanize us.

While I think Campbell saw this as metaphor for oppressive governments, I think the corporation has become one such system. Though it's made up of people who are probably largely ethical and decent, we all get paid to work for the profit of others, and the concerns of those "others" must transcend our own connection to what is natural and right for ourselves and those we love. I've struggled a great deal in the past year with the fact that what might be the ethical or loving thing to do in a personal relationship is often considered unprofessional in work relationships. Campbell's framing of the dragon or system as that which removes us from our bodies, and so removes us from our eros; our vital, living presence in our own existance, seems incredibly apropos of what the corporate system is doing to our humanity as a society. Why else does company after company, even the ones touted as the most ethical, get caught in governance and ethics scandals?

How can an organization that is structured to subjugate the needs and concerns of those who run it be anything other than dehumanizing, if that which makes us human is that which allows us to have compassion for ourselves and others?

post of normalness

2007-03-20T12:57:00.000-04:00

This year is going very quickly, but not necessarily in a fun way. I'm in my second and final (we hope) year of grad school, and so far, it ain't easy. Which is good, I know, I'm paying a lot of money to be challenged, not coddled, but man, a little coddling goes a long way. My job is challenging, new stuff to learn and adapt to every week. The combination of the two is more than a little ass-kicking. I hope that through getting a lot of sleep, managing my time well, and judicious bitching I can just power through it all.

On the home front, I’m working on a partial re-design of the bedroom, pictures to come soon. I really enjoy doing home stuff, it’s nurturing and appeals to both my nesting tendencies and my need to be creative. I do feel like I’m missing out on my creative/artistic outlets with my current schedule of madness, but I think it’s to be expected. Somehow I’ll get back to the dancing/painting/singing/embroidery/creative writing/cooking when this grad school thing is over.

David and I have stuck with the yoga, which has been really beneficial for me. It’s nice to do together, our newly re-done living room is very well adapted to our practice, and it’s just plain good exercise. Rodney Yee kicks my ass.

David and I celebrated our three year anniversary at Hudson’s on the Bend last week. We had the Chef’s Tasting Menu, and my oh my was it good. Highly recommended.

Besides yoga, one of my only remaining outlets is cooking, and I’ve been using and adapting recipes from Cooking Light. Most of them are really good. If you go to the recipe and run a search on an ingredient, re-sort the results list by rating. I stick with the five-star recipes, and it pays to read a few of the reader comments to see if there are any consistent suggestions.

Ho-hum. Not much funny or introspective to say at the moment.

Things I Have Learned: Unsolicited Leadership Advice for Everybody

2007-03-08T16:42:00.000-05:00

Thing #1: Get to know yourself really, really well

I am the kind of person who takes EVERYTHING personally. You could sneeze, and I would think that somehow my presence had caused dust eddies to be stirred up that would not have otherwise been there, which may lead you to have a sinus infection which will eventually cause you to die horribly of hemorrhaging. I can blame myself for totally unrelated, incongruous events. But as an occasional teacher, and as a brand-spanking new manager, I know that the behavior of the people I have some small amount of power over is NOT an indication of my qualifications or basic intelligence. It can, however, be a reflection of my level of competence with and/or comfort level in whatever area I am providing leadership. If one of my students or employees is giving me a hard time, then it might be an issue they're having, but if several of them are unhappy or unproductive guess what? I am bound to be at least partially responsible.

This leader thing is relatively new for me. I have been in the follower position far more in my life thus far. And when I have felt victimized, belittled, abused, intimidated, or even just challenged by a boss or teacher, I have spent a goodly amount of energy trying to tease apart the dynamic and understand what part of my (generally disproportionate) negative reaction is my own crap, and how much of that crap belongs to someone else. It's rarely an all or nothing proposition, folks. So while I continue to be on the neurotic and hypersensitive side, I also have a pretty clear picture of a number of my strengths and weaknesses. Now when I have to deal with an authority figure who doesn't seem to have their shit together, I can keep it in slightly better perspective.

But here's the thing I know from having been in the down position for most of my life (and seems really obvious to me as a newbie leader):

Thing #2:
If you are in a position of relative power over someone else DO NOT take their perceived failures or inadequacies personally.

This is very important. If you take your students' or employees' or children's weaknesses personally this means that you feel (usually unconsciously) that their poor performance is a reflection on you and will make you look bad to your superiors or peers, then you will probably blame your employees or students or children for your own sense of inadequacy. You will then be likely to behave in a way that is less than objective when giving feedback or criticism. In short, your negative emotions will inhibit your ability to do your job, which is to support, help and teach the people you're serving as a leader or teacher or parent.

Let's have an example, shall we?
My last voice teacher was amazingly talented. His singers had substantial careers and my technique improved significantly during the two years I studied with him. But he wasn't objective. When I had a big performance or audition coming up, he would start to freak out. I could almost see the thought bubbles over his head, "What if she gives a bad audition, and the judges know she studies with me, and everyone thinks I'm losing my edge and taking on poor students?" So he would go from a demanding but nurturing and supportive teacher, to an abusive, autocratic bastard. He would make disparaging comments, force me to repeat passages over and over again (screaming out a high C ten times in a row generally does not make it get any better, trust me). My favorite comment ever came during one especially grueling sessions. He said, "It's really a testament to my teaching that I can work with a problem voice like yours."

Yeah, he really said that.

I had to explain to him gently (yelling is gentle, right?) that that type of comment made me feel hopelessly inadequate, and did not motivate me to do anything except perhaps throw my metal music stand at his head and leave. And it did not make me sing better. He told me he'd meant it as a compliment.

It's basic, folks. You discourage and degrade people, they give up or they have less energy and less hope. None of those things make people productive, competent, or successful. Don't do it. You can tell me about tough love, about pushing people to excel, but tough love is not abuse. Humiliating or denigrating people does not make them better performers or humans, it just makes you an abusive bastard.

Thing #3
Forgive yourself for being an abusive bastard, and move on.

If you have power, you will inevitably abuse it at some point. It will probably be unintentional, and it will hopefully be minor. So if you realize that you've been attacking an employee or student because you're secretly afraid that they're going to make you look bad, or your son's habit of shuffling around with his shoes untied makes you feel like a bad parent and you're a little too hard on the kid, recognize your own flaws, make amends, breathe deeply, and move the fuck on.